Standing Room Only

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The Ryanair CEO, Michael O'Leary, not one to pay for advertizing if he can get cheap publicity, has really outdone himself this year. Espousing that no publicity is bad publicity, he has made many outrageous suggestions including “penny a pee” toilets, single pilot cockpits, and now a standing room only (SRO) section. In July, Ryanair, the Irish low-cost carrier, had said it would let passengers stand during flights if the Irish Aviation Authority (IAA) granted permission. Presumably even the IAA isn’t stupid enough to let that one fly. Funny fliers will, no doubt, confirm that they’d be happy to stand all flight long provided a bar was installed. And, presumably, to enhance the atmosphere the SRO section would be sprayed with a toxic stew of stale beer, cigarette smoke, and vomit! And the toilets will only be cleaned every week. Or so. If they have time. Or not.

A Ryanair spokesman said that Boeing had been consulted over refitting the fleet with "vertical seats" which would allow passengers to be strapped in while standing up, which would cost between £4 and £8 per person. Vertical seats, an oxymoron or what? Safety testing will be carried out next year. However, a spokesman for the Civil Aviation Authority said the plans would struggle to meet safety requirements. You don’t say.

This is not the first time the idea of SRO’s has been aired, so to speak. In 2006 CNNMoney reported Airbus as denying that they were discussing with Asian airlines the option of padded backboards for passengers to stand, secured with a safety harness, thus increasing capacity. Padded backboard and a harness? Sounds like equipment more suited to a lunatic asylum.

Exaggerated stories of standing-room seating on planes have come up before, and they’ve been untrue, as the esteemed New York Times found out. Reporting, front-page top right above the fold as I recall, that Airbus had quietly pitched the standing-room-only option to Asian carriers but none had agreed to it. An Airbus spokes-purser flatly denied the report. "Our passengers and customers want more and more comfort," said Barbara Kracht a spokeswoman for the European aircraft maker. "We're going in the direction of more comfort, not in that direction." The story was later retracted.

But here we go again, this time with more substance. Aviointeriors Group, an Italian aviation interior design group has unveiled its new “saddle” seat. The makers say the seat would allow budget airlines, such as Ryanair, to cram more passengers into their already tight cabins.

The design, named the “SkyRider”, allows just 23 inches of legroom, which is about seven inches less than the average seat's space of 30 inches. Shaped similar to a horse saddle, passengers sit at an angle, with their weight taken on by their legs. It allows seats to be overlapped. Overlapped alright; on my lap, your lap, everybody’s lap lap. The seats would also offer storage space including a shelf for carry-on bags which, by the way, is about one quarter the size of the standard pull out tray table. Also provided would be hooks to hang a jacket or a handbag. Why not go the whole hog, so to speak, and tie people up and hang them from meat hooks, or nooses. Then they could be racked in on rails, much faster for boarding. The designers claim it does not affect passenger comfort, but do say it would only be suitable for flights of up to three hours. Well, the bar is already pretty low wouldn’t you say?

"We feel extremely confident that this concept will ... have great appeal to airlines for economic purposes," Dominique Menoud, the company's director general, told USA Today. Economic purposes, bugger the passenger. “For flights anywhere from one to possibly even up to three hours ... this would be comfortable seating.” And “The seat ... is like a saddle. Cowboys ride eight hours on their horses during the day and still feel comfortable in the saddle." Ah, but I think that cowboys are much thicker skinned than testy passengers. And they have steel balls which is what you’ll need to endure having your gennies crushed. He goes on “the passenger’s body (assumes) a comfortable, dynamic, upright and healthy position”. All this apparently said with a straight face! The presumption being that people are mugs and are only driven by low prices. Ah yes, the old herd instinct! Eminently suitable for cattle-class.

Joe Sharkey, the New York Times’ travel writer, commented that it was more like being strapped tightly into an amusement park ride. Without the thrills, presumably. No corkscrews or loop de loops then. The company added that the seat, which is in its final stage of testing, had been “designed and engineered to offer the possibility to even further reduce ticket prices while still maintaining sound profitability”. Says it all really, designed for the bottom line, so to speak. Joe also commented that “sitting in one was more like being wedged, legs braced, on a stationary bicycle”. Upper thigh strain sounds a distinct possibility.

They go on “The SkyRider is intended as a new basic class. The passenger’s seating position is similar to that of a touring motor-scooter rider. Agghh, a touring motor-scooter. They would use this analogy; they are after all an Italian company. But, sorry, I just can’t quite focus on this image of theirs. I’m thinking wind in the hair, zipping around Rome on a Vespa with Audrey Hepburn holding on tight, arms wrapped around me. There again, perhaps not.

And there’s more “The seat structure itself also provides space for personal baggage." Well, the only personal baggage you’ll be schlepping on board this aircraft is your tiny little brain that thinks this was a good idea. Just wait until the inevitable flight delays, and then you’ll wish you had space to stamp your hooves, snort and swish your tail.

I’m sure we can now look forward to a whole new category of dehumanizing classes for airline travel. We’re only one stop away from the following; split-level passenger decks with passengers strapped down while sitting cross-legged; special access overhead bins for that cramped submarine experience; coffin-class for the hardy traveler, in the hold; and finally Japanese-style passenger pushers to maximize the body, sorry, passenger count on the plane. What I like to call MaxPax.

Apparently a pusher is a worker who pushes people onto the train at railway stations during the morning and evening rush hours. When they were first brought in at Tokyo’s Shinjuku Station, they were called "passenger arrangement staff". Nice one. Apparently it is difficult to shut the carriage doors when the number of passengers is over 200% of a train's capacity. You don’t say.

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McDonald’s maggots

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Reported last week in the Lansing State Journal (Illinois) reporter John Schneider recounted an email sent to the LSJ from a former, presumably disgruntled, McDonald’s restaurant employee. Said employee wrote: “Over the past couple of days something has developed that has me more than a little concerned. Our specialty coffee machine (which makes the hot mochas, lattes and cappuccinos) has been working on and off for they past couple of weeks and started to smell of something I can only describe as ungodly.”

The employee learned last week that the coffee maker’s sporadic performance was due to the fact that maggots were growing in the mechanism of the coffee maker. As you would expect the machine was shut down right away and cleaned. But, the e-mail went on to explain, even after cleaning the machine, maggots continued to grow inside it. The employee wrote: “The regional manager was contacted and her response was the machine must be kept on and we must continue to sell our specialty coffees.”

Oh yes, those coffees are special alright. Now we know what their employees really ask after ordering our food. We’ve had it wrong all all along. They actually say “ya want flies with that?”

Of course this wasn’t the story I was expecting, well I mean, who would. No, I thought the story was about the employees at McDonalds!

Happy eating!

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Aliens, Ambassadors and Astronomers

Two interesting reports last week, both concerning aliens, were written up in the UK’s Telegraph online newspaper.

Apparently the UN is to appoint a space ambassador to greet alien visitors. Aliens who landed on earth and asked: 'Take me to your leader' would be directed to Mrs. Othman. Mazlan Othman, a Malaysian astrophysicist, expects to be tasked with co-coordinating humanity’s response if and when extraterrestrials make contact. She will set out the details of her proposed new role at a Royal Society conference in Buckinghamshire next week. My goodness, there are even details about this proposed role. The 58-year-old is expected to tell delegates that the proposal has been prompted by the recent discovery of hundreds of planets orbiting other starts, which is thought to make the discovery of extraterrestrial life more probable than before. Mrs. Othman is currently head of the UN’s Office for Outer Space Affairs (UNOOSA). UNOOSA, as in someone has a screwa loosa! And yes, this organization actually exists.

In a recent talk to fellow scientists, she said: “The continued search for extraterrestrial communication, by several entities, sustains the hope that someday human kind will receive signals from extraterrestrials. “When we do, we should have in place a coordinated response that takes into account all the sensitivities related to the subject.” Ah, so phrases in the Alien Greeting Handbook such as “what took you so long?” and “what does that do?” may not be totally appropriate.

The plan to make UNOOSA the co-coordinating body for dealing with alien encounters will be debated by UN scientific advisory committees and should eventually reach the body’s general assembly. Opinion is divided about how future extraterrestrial visitors should be greeted. Under the Outer Space Treaty on 1967, which UNOOSA oversees, UN members agreed to protect Earth against contamination by alien species by “sterilizing” them. Mrs. Othman is understood to support a more tolerant approach; perhaps an allover sponge bath and a cappuccino latte?

Moving along, it was also reported by Pope Benedict XVI's astronomer that the Catholic Church welcomes aliens. Yes, really. Highly evolved extra terrestrial life-forms may be living in space and would be welcomed into the church - "no matter how many tentacles", one of the Pope's astronomers has said. And, believe it or not, he added that the Church would be happy to baptize them. Question, how would they know which way is up, and what if they’re allergic to water? Other than spouting rubbish to reporters who ask stupid questions, presumably prepping for April 1, the Pope’s PA (personal astronomer, I kid you not), Brother Guy Consolmagno, is also the curator of the Pope’s meteorite collection. Rock on Benny!

The reporter goes onto say, that this pronouncement opens up the possibility of space missionaries, (Jesus jockeys?), heading out to the stars to convert aliens to Christianity. Yes, I know, I can hardly contain myself either, difficult to believe that a serious science reporter actually wrote this. Speaking on the eve of addressing the British Science Festival, Dr. Consolmangno said he had no problem with science and religion co-existing together. But he dismissed Creationism and claimed that the revival of “intelligent design" – the controversial theory that only God can explain gaps in the theory of evolution – was “bad theology". Dr. Consolmango, one of a team of 12 astronomers working for the Vatican, said the Catholic Church had been supporting and funding science for centuries. Why, oh why does the Church need astronomers, and not just one but twelve? I suppose that number has a certain symmetry to it. Well, well, still trying to prove Galileo wrong after all these years. These guys really hold a grudge don’t they? The Pope’s astronomers work in a state-of-the-art Vatican Observatory, established behind St. Peter’s Basilica in 1891 by Pope Leo XIII. And they scan the heavens with the Vatican Advanced Technology Telescope, presumably known as the “Pope scope.”

It’s comforting to realize that whatever’s out there, the Pope’s rocks are nice and shiny. So there you have it; tentacles, pentacles and testicles.

Time Standards

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In the last century common clock times were defined for regions based on the mean local solar time at some central meridian. Such time zones began to be adopted about the middle of the 19th century when railroads with regular schedules came into use, with most major countries having adopted them by 1929. For the whole world, 40 such time zones are now in use. The main one is "world time" or Coordinated Universal Time (UTC). Not an obvious acronym I know, but according to the International Telecommunication Union, an agency of the United Nations which regulates information and communication technology issues, a compromise was required because the French, who else, wanted TUC meaning Temps Universel Coordonne. So in unofficial English UTC is “Universal Time, Coordinated”.

The French do like to reverse acronyms from their obvious progression. For example, SNCF. This is the government enterprise responsible for passenger and freight rail services in France. A literal translation would be Corporation National path of iron French. Not too snappy eh? Let’s review another example, French of course. TGV, in the French, Train à Grande Vitesse, means train at high speed. As opposed to GVT which would logically be high speed train, and a more obvious acronym.

Taking everything into consideration, in the fullness of time, perhaps a compromise was called for. After all, Coordinated Universal Time could have been abbreviated as CUnT. Ah, I think I see a problem.

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• From the department of not getting it (scienceblogs.com)

Poor English

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Overheard in the supermarket recently, when asked how she was, a lady (I think) replied “I’m good”. Sorry lady, I don’t know whether you are a good person, or good enough for Santa, but I’ll decide if you’re good or not. This phrase really gets on my tits!

The correct response is “I’m well, thank you.” Simples. End of.

Transportation Security Administration (TSA) and airline security

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Now don’t get me started on TSA and airport security. There are ways of dealing with this modern humiliation, and there are ways of not doing it. And have you noticed that everyone is always much slower than you? It’s true; you see businessmen struggling to get their PC’s out and placed in a separate bin, whole families looking completely helpless. And it’s not as if you can’t see it coming! From the time you wake up that day, then leave the your home, arrive and check in, you just know that you will have to undress in front of fellow flyers, so please, take a little time and be prepared.

So, you’ve lined up for 5-10 minutes and it’s now your turn and commons sense flies out the window. I have never seen so many witless wanderers in such a small place. You see whole families galvanize into meaningless activity, as if the contortions of other passengers ahead of them has been some sort of circus act for their benefit. Yes sir, you know you have to take off your belt, shoes (most of the time, now how does that work?), metal objects and coats; also please pop your PC into a separate box. Now move forward waving your boarding pass in the air so I can see you r hands. Please listen up everyone, watch the people in front, yes that what you’ll have to do. See that pram, may be a good idea to get the little rug rat out of it now, collapse it, and start acting like you have brains between your ears. Not really, I made that last bit up.

Now if you have any sense, you don’t wear a belt, or if you do, just keep it in the carry on until after the strip search, sorry inspection, and then put it on. And do wear slip on shoes, they’re probably more comfortable than lace-ups anyway, and don’t even think of trainers unless they’re velcroed for quick on/off action. But doesn’t it make you think, how come shoes are OK sometimes, sometimes not. What is it with that? After all it was incendiary shoes laces that nearly brought down an airliner down, so we really should get that little detail right, otherwise why bother? Not exactly a confidence booster is it? Keep a baggy in your jacket pocket with all your metal items, and then put it in your shoe. Organization is key. Simples. End of.

What else is getting through one wonders. I have occasionally, by mistake, left a few coins in my pocket, a metal money clip, perhaps even an inhaler, but they haven’t triggered the TSA Nazis out of their sullen complacency. But, look out, that jar of Colman’s mustard from England is absolutely verboten so we’ll have to confiscate it. That’s a dangerous weapon, too powerful for Americans. My wife and I have lost count of the little things we’ve picked up late on our travels, and forgotten to decant from our hand luggage. Very frustrating, even a set of steak knives once! Well, we are human after all.

And have you noticed that business people look pretty stupid standing in their socks, with their shoes off, holding up their pants? Not the same with women somehow, if only they’d just keep going. Go on, get yer kit off. Sorry, sorry, completely uncalled for, I just got carried away.

But, how about those TSA folks though, impressive aren’t they. That’s what I thought so I did a little digging.

A quick review of the TSA (Thousands Standing Around) web-site revealed the following: “Our people are committed Federal Employees who are highly skilled and trained. Our professional workforce is second to none in keeping both Americans and those who visit us safe and secure as they travel throughout the country. TSA is looking for dedicated individuals to join our team to help us accomplish our mission.” Ah yes your mission, should you accept, is to wear a uniform that gives you invincible powers over total strangers. And these are the advantages, apparently:

• Ensuring National Security – confiscating dangerous items such as sharp Cheddar cheeses

• Helping People – take their clothes off

• Competitive Pay and Benefits – unlikely

• Career Growth Opportunities – speedy promotion to top tosser

• Diverse Workforce – mixing with other fast-food and security firm rejects

• Fast-paced Job – not in my airport

Their web-site also provides salary details at the different pay-bands, and they actually state that these are different from the normal Government Service pay grades. Presumably any other Government job wouldn’t dare offer such a pitiful enticement! The minimum pay in the lowest band, assuming a 40 hour weeks and paid vacation time is $8.21 per hour, or $17,083 per annum.

A quick inquiry into pay practices at Mickey D’s reveals that franchises generally pay at or slightly above (depending on demand apparently, who knew?) the minimum wage which, in New York state, is $7.25 per hour. So, to compensate for a crappy job facing up to bolshie passengers, and given the nature of the security implications, “the committed Federal Employees who are highly skilled and trained” (their words, not mine) at the lowest rung on the ladder are paid a whopping 13% extra. I’m so pleased. And probably, given the typical location of many airports compared to the ubiquity of fast-food joints, TSA workers have higher local transport costs to boot. Presumably at this lowest of the low level these employees are entrusted with the highly technical job of transferring the empty bins from the secure side of the x-ray thingy to the unsecure end. A TSO is not exactly the equivalent of a hamburger slapper, but is paid like it. Well, as they say, you get what you pay for.

The official requirements for a Transportation Safety Officer (TSO) are rigorous and include:

• US citizen or national.

• High school diploma (or GED), or one year of relevant work experience.

• Criminal and financial record screening

• Drug screening

• Able to stand for long periods of time and lift weights up to 70lbs.

Seems to me that ex-cons would pretty much fit the bill. Never quite sure with the screening tests though, are you supposed to have the problem, or not. Bit tricky that. Mind you, even a cursory look at TSO’s will tell you that it probably is a requirement. So, basically, got a pulse got a job.

According to another job web-site “the downside of this position (TSO) is that travelers have become increasingly annoyed and irritated with the debacle that is the security screening program. They do not enjoy standing in long lines, or having to remove shoes and sweaters to walk barefoot and in an uncomfortably scant amount of clothing through metal detectors. Tired travelers get irritated quickly when they have to answer security-related questions, or be wanded or patted down. People become grouchy, and the TSO is the human representative of this entire system, so they often bear the brunt of traveler annoyance.” You don’t say.

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Corn sugar

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In the news last week, the announcement of a name change by the Corn Refiners Association. Apparently high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) has a bad rap, folks are confused about it, and consumption is at an all-time 20-year low. Used in soft drinks, bread, cereals and other products as a cheaper alternative to normal sugar, the Association wants to sweeten us up with the new name, Corn Sugar. Really.

Public perception of HFCS as harmful, and a contributor to obesity, has been shaped by recent advertising campaigns against HFCS. Little scientific evidence exists to support this contention. The new name would help people understand the sweetener, said Audrae Erickson, president of the Washington-based group. I don’t think so; it’s still a sweetener, just as sugar is.

According to Michael Jacobson, executive director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest “sugar and high fructose corn syrup are nutritionally the same, every bit as conducive to obesity as soda pop sweetened with high fructose corn syrup," The bottom line is people should consume less of all sugars, Jacobson said. Quite. Some say that American sugar consumption provides 16% of all calories, a 50% increase since the 1970’s. Way too high.

Statistics from the US Department of Agriculture reveal that the average American ate 36 pounds of high fructose corn syrup last year, down 21 percent from 45 pounds a decade before. Cane and beet sugar, averaged around 44 pounds per person per year since the mid-1980s. Consumption had fallen rapidly in the 1970s when high fructose corn syrup, a cheaper alternative to sugar, gained favor with soft drink makers.

So, we are consuming 80 pounds of sweeteners per annum. Eight Zero pounds, quite an incredible figure isn’t it? According to SugarStacks.com, an educational web-site about the use of sweeteners in foods, the standard 12oz can of Coke has 39 grams of sugar. And, since there’s 4 grams in one level teaspoon, there’s about 10 level teaspoons of sugar in one Coke! So, why don’t you pour it out and look at it. And look at it again. And then think about this; if you put the same 10 teaspoons of sugar in your tea or coffee you probably couldn’t drink it! Now, if we do the math; one Coke a day for 365 days a year, equals 14,235 grams = 31 pounds of sugar each year, just from consuming one Coke per day. Of course that also means that the other 49 pounds of sweetener comes from other sources such as bread, fruit, juices, canned goods. This is not good peoples.

That’s a lot of extra calories and guess where it goes. Right. Muffin tops and other signs of obesity. Obesity is dangerous because it increases the likelihood of various diseases such as heart disease, type 2 diabetes, breathing difficulties during sleep, certain types of cancer, and osteoarthritis.

Here’s what you should know. Food sources of naturally occurring sugars such as fruit, vegetables generally provide vitamins and minerals, but foods containing added sugars provide mainly calories and very few vitamins and minerals, which is why calories in added sugar are called "empty calories". Added sugar is processed from corn, beets, grapes, and sugar cane.

We don’t need sugar in our diet. Sure it is a carbohydrate but other carbs such as starch and fiber provide the minimum needed in a daily diet, about 130 grams a day. It also pays to read food labels. Apparently "sugars" include both added and naturally occurring sugars; but the ingredient list is only required to list added sugars. Who knew? Added sugar is variously described as corn syrup, high-fructose corn syrup, dextrose, maltodextrins, granulated sugar, invert sugar, and concentrated fruit juice sweetener. Naturally occurring sugars include lactose in milk, fructose in fruit and vegetables and maltose in beer.

Professor David Kessler, ex-commissioner of the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA), claims that manufacturers have created combinations of sugar, salt and fat that are so tasty many people cannot stop eating them even when full. "It is time to stop blaming individuals for being overweight or obese," he said. "The real problem is we have created a world where food is always available and where that food is designed to make you want to eat more of it. For millions of people, modern food is simply impossible to resist." And, unfortunately, it is often cheaper than healthy foods purchases. Take McDonald’s Dollar menu for example. In a new book, The End of Overeating, he suggests precise combinations of fat, sugar, salt and texture have been used by foods manufacturers to make products "hyper-palatable". Heinz tomato ketchup and Starbucks white chocolate mocha Frappuccino are cited as examples of the thousands of modern foods that have been engineered to stimulate feelings of pleasure. "The right combination of tastes triggers a greater number of neurons, getting them to fire more," he said. "The message to eat becomes stronger, motivating the eater to look for even more food.

Well, whatever happened to personal responsibility? We have brains, let’s use them.

Also remember this, guess what is used to fatten beef cattle for beef, that’s right. As a high-starch, high-energy food, corn (not to the exclusions of other grains) is used in Canada and the US to decreases the time to fatten cattle and increases yield from dairy cattle. So, corn is not a diet food, don’t put it in your salad!

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Airplane safety announcements

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Cabin crew with elongated skull



One of the least favorite aspects of flying is surely the safety announcements. We’ve all heard it before and I’m sure the cabin crew considers it extremely tedious. Unless, of course, they are practicing their Marcel Marceau skills or are sign language experts. So once in a while I always appreciate a little light banter from the crew. Once on a flight, after touching down and beginning the long taxiway to the gate, a member of the cabin crew announced “welcome to Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson Inter-Galactic Spaceport”. I kid you not. I actually laughed out loud, but instantly realized that his attempt at humor had fallen flat. Well, it was very early in the morning. But I thought to myself, don’t worry pal it wasn’t wasted on me.

So I did a little digging and came across this crib sheet for the passenger safety announcement. I have highlighted the optional crew comments.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard Clapped-out Airlines flight 123 with service to who knows where. In just a moment, we will be presenting to you a very short safety accident demonstration highlighting the safety information on this 757. We realize that many of you fly frequently, are bored already so to reinforce what you already know, and to enable those around you to hear our procedures, we ask for your full attention and shut the hell up.

Please direct your attention to one of our dreadfully unattractive flight attendants in the cabin holding a safety information card. You will find this card in the seat pocket in front of you. Unless some prick has stolen it Please take it out, and follow along with your grubby little fingers as we cover the important information. For our passengers that are seated in an exit row, you may be required to assist the crew in the event of an emergency evacuation, so if you are un-willing to assist the crew because you’re a 70 year old with a bad back please let us know so we can reseat you or just beat you up

For takeoff, your seatbelt must be fastened low and tight across your lap. No kidding Insert the metal fitting into the buckle, and pull tight by pulling on the loose strap. To release, lift up on the faceplate of the buckle. If you can’t do this, you shouldn’t be allowed out in public It is important that you keep your seatbelt fastened at all times when seated to protect your-self from any un-expected turbulence or wind, in which case keep it to yourself and do not dump it into the seat cushion.

On our 757, there are 6 exit doors. 3 on each side of the plane, each one equipped with a slide that inflates automatically. Unless you’re a Jet Blue flight attendant in which case it inflates any time you want a beer In addition to these exits, there are four over-wing exits, two on each side of the plane. Each exit is clearly marked with a sign overhead. Take a moment to locate the exit nearest you. If an evacuation occurs, exit path lighting will illuminate to guide you to an exit. Before operating any exit, check for fire, smoke, and debris or obstructions. Such as people piled up in crash positions

In the event of a water landing or a controlled dive into the sea your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device. And good luck with that To use it, pull it up, and slip your arms through the straps, hugging the cushion to your chest, as shown on the safety information card.

After the slide has deployed, jump with your arms crossed, and after clearing the bottom of the slide, step away from the aircraft. If we’re in the sea start swimming

In the event of a loss in cabin pressure, due to explosive decompression an oxygen mask will drop from overhead. Now you can start screaming To start the flow of oxygen, reach up and pull the mask towards you. Place the cup of the mask over your nose and mouth, slipping the elastic band over your head, tightening the straps if necessary. If it takes you more than 15 seconds, you’re toast The bag does not need to inflate; oxygen is still flowing to the mask. Says who? A uniformed crew member will tell you when the masks are no longer needed. It is important that you secure your mask before assisting others. If you have two children and one mask short, pick the brightest kid

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for listening. At this time flight attendants will be coming through the cabin making their final safety checks before we take off. running down the aisle pretending to check that your seat belt is fastened and pretending not to notice that you’re checking out our legs At this time, please be sure that your seat back is returned to its upright most uncomfortable position, and that your tray table is stowed. Please check to see if your seatbelt is securely fastened. If you need a seatbelt extender please shout as loud as possible so we can see you, as will everyone else As a reminder, all carry on items must now be under the seat in-front of you, or stuffed into in an overhead compartment.with the rest of the crap you bring on board

Ladies and Gentlemen, ClappedOut Airlines is a non-smoking airline. we only smoke afterwards Please remember that federal law prohibits the tampering with, disabling of, or destroying lavatory smoke detectors. Passengers must comply with all lighted signs and crew member instructions. And remember No does not mean maybe

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for listening. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to fix them before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Clappedout Airlines.

Examples of cabin crew announcements

1. On a Southwest flight (no assigned seating, you sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced “People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

2. On a Continental flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said “Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

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Plangent – word of the day

Reading the newspapers the other day I came across this word "Plangent". Unfortunately I discarded the article. Shame really as I would have liked to reviewed the context again. It’s such a strange word with no obvious suggestion of meaning to it. Anyway, I looked it up, and here are the definitions:

- Resounding loudly, especially with a plaintive sound, as a bell.

- Expressing or suggesting grief or sadness.

Language scholars among you will no doubt recall that it is derived from the Latin “plangere” meaning to “beat”. As in one’s breast, in grief. Apparently one can write about the plangent bells, or the plangent minority. I truly hope that one would only write such a word. In my book, anyone heard using such a word would surely be marked down as a pompous twit! The noun is plangency and the adverb is plangently; even worse. What positively horrid words these are.

Which, does of course, remind me of my Latin days at school. Not many people took Latin, even less took Greek. But I enjoyed it and it certainly is a boon for understanding words, their derivation, and occasionally answering crossword clues. Anyway tempus fugit as we say. Here’s a rhyme you may know.

Latin is a language
As dead as dead can be
First it killed the Romans
Now it’s killing me

Carpe diem et non illegitimus carborundum!

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Hospitalization in the US

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In the Science section of the New York Times this week, Jane Broday wrote about her aunt’s recent two and half day stay at a for-profit hospital in Florida, hospitalized as a result of a fainting episode. The final bill was a tad under $19,000 which included $5,874 for a CT scan. I said to myself, self, this all sounds very familiar. You see, I was also hospitalized last year, whilst visiting my sister's family out-of-state. Suffering from Ataxia I was taken to the hospital and, after being evaluated in the emergency room, admitted to the hospital proper. Ataxia is a form of dizziness, not ditzyness; that’s a blonde affliction. At the end of my stay I was also suffering from sticker shock after receiving a bill for around $19,000. This for just less than a 24 hour stay. Oh yes, they had some pretty sharp pencils in the Billing Department. But thank goodness for medical plans.

Reviewing my bill again I reminded myself of what took place. We’d been breakfasting at an iHop, and as I got up to leave the table found that I was very, very dizzy, and had to sit down again (iHop; not eating there again). After consulting with my doctor, by phone, I was taken to the local hospital ER. The admitting desk took us right away, they weren’t very busy. In fact as I write this I see from their web-site that the ER wait time is one minute, so if you need emergency treatment, best go now to beat the rush. Before you could say Jackie Robinson I was wheel-chaired into the ER section, gurneyed, hooked up, playing 20 questions with the attending nurse. You think I had it easy, not so for my wife who was playing her own version with the billing clerk. My, they are fast workers there, but where did they think I was going, I was pretty much tied down, and more than a little nervous of the problem, trying not to concentrate on words like stroke, MS, and brain tumor. But they had my wife in a billing lock, fighting to get their hands on her medical plan card.

I was the ER for a couple of hours and unbelievably, I swear this is true; we were presented with a bill, an interim bill for $1,000. We knew it was interim because, at the bottom it said this is not the final invoice. My goodness, how high can it go, for a little bit of oxygen, blood tests, use of the wheel-chair. Even the pills were itemized, and what a mark-up, don't they get free samples? I’ll take those next time, puhlease! I’m sure some of the charges were made up, with all the incomprehensiveness of medical-speak. Well it was a slow day in the ER; we were out-of-towners, so I think they were charging double. That or making sure they made their numbers early that day.

They wanted to keep me overnight, so I was moved into the very Cadillac of their Cardiac facility; the newly refurbished hotel, I mean hospital wing. It was quite lovely; wooden paneling, pastoral view, a day bed/sofa for my wife who was allowed to stay the night, and personal menu choices for my stay. It was all very nice.

Of course there is a cost for everything. But when relooking at my medical plan statement detailing the charges, reductions and allowed charges, you have to wonder why health plan insurers don’t take a harder line. For example, over that 24 hour period there were two line items for Pharmacy, one of which totaled almost $600, 75 % of which was allowed. And no it did not include lab services, or even blood tests. Now, unless I am a pill-popping junkie or a complete hypochondriac there is no way José that the dispensing of my normal intake for one day could possibly come to that amount. Even the consulting neurologist’s fees were the same amount, and I don’t think he spent more than 20 minutes with me. In retrospect, I think I know what happened, and this is quite astonishing. Whilst talking we found out that he visits NY occasionally, and get this, he knows a friend of ours. So he was quite happy to kibbitz with my wife all the while dollar signs were ding-dinging in his eye sockets. And the advice from this pricey consultant? Do bed exercises, side to side to get the ear balance back in sync. Good job my diagnosis wasn’t really serious, otherwise he’d be carting his fees off in truckloads. I mean this guy charged like a lawyer, and we all know how keen they are for their pound of flesh.

So what other goodies did we pay for? Well, there were the CT scan, MRI and MRA’s, not cheap these machines you know. These three totaled nearly $9,000. Yes! I think they were trying to write-off the cost of those machines on my tab. He won’t be back, let’s mug him good and proper.

Interestingly, had we still been in New York, it could have taken forever to have all of the tests, CAT scans, MRI's etc. just to determine what the problem is. Not much chance of being triaged in a New York hospital ER without at least a gunshot wound! What, you’re feeling dizzy, this is NY we all feel like that sometimes. Perhaps it would have been cheaper to self-treat and bugger off home.

Patient surveys

Under a federal program, most US hospitals sample recently discharged patients for their comments. Apparently, 81% of patients would recommend this particular hospital to their family and family; the national average being 68%. I couldn’t agree more and am happy to add my name to that list. In its geographic region the hospital was rated highest, by a nearly 3-1 margin, in the following areas; best overall quality, best nurses and physicians, amenities and technology. Well I can certainly attest to the technology as I think I tried most of it!

It was interesting reading other patients reviews, of their experiences at this hospital, as more than one luxuriated on the same floor as myself and described it as Ritz-like. So now, a selection of their comments.

This is a must do, put it on your list. We had a fantastic time; we’re definitely going back next year

- Mr. & Mrs. Bedstay, NY

Staff is so friendly, they let the children play on the elevators, and those shiny floors are just perfect for skateboarding around the geriatrics.

- Fred Simple, Tenn

And finally,

We’s alredy bookin in agin for nex year. Bubbas loved those beep-beep machines and them IV drips is jus perfek for beer shooters! Best holiday we ever did do.

- Mr. and Mrs. Imar Edneck, The South

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Space and Time

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Speaking from personal experience, cable TV provides the opportunity to watch programming that is such a waste of space and time, and which is truly brain-numbing, for example Jersey Shore. Fortunately it also allows us to watch great documentaries that are the very opposite, such as Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman, a Science Channel documentary television series narrated by actor Morgan Freeman. Morgan’s involvement came about from his interest in the universe, space and the big philosophical questions: who created the universe; is there life out there beyond TV land, and what happened before the big bang? Someone lit the blue touch-paper presumably.


Watching it the other day, it occurred to me that certain phrases on this and similar programs get bandied around quite a bit. For example, the building blocks of life, that favorite of astro-biologists. And no, it’s not a gigantic Lego set for grown-ups. Then there’s the whole space-time continuum thing. I certainly don’t profess to understand it all, but I do know this. When Einstein stuck his hand in the electric socket, frizzy hair wasn’t his only problem. After all, anyone who tries to explain The General Theory of Relativity (one of the greatest theories in theoretical physics, which describes how gravity affects the shape of space and flow of time) by imagining a bowling-ball and a bed-sheet must have had his brains fried. You see space-time is multi-dimensional, the three standard dimensions plus time. Whilst we think we can understand the concept in our minds, it’s an extremely difficult concept describe pictorially. Pen and paper only have two dimensions.


Then there is the “very fabric of space”, and finally the cliché about there being “more stars in the Universe than all the grains of sand on all the beaches on Earth”. Say what? You must have heard this quote; it gets trotted out quite regularly. But what is its derivation? How did this phrase become the defining measure of the size of the universe? After all, very big doesn’t quite cut it. Holy cow that’s really, really big tries in vain, bloody massive is getting there. Nope, we just have to accept that the Universe truly is of infinite size, and pretty much outside of our comprehension.


There are people who have attempted to prove the “more stars than” quote. Yes, I know, get a life. Calculations like these are the astro-nerd (also known as astro-gnomes?) idea of a good time. A number of studies have been made, more back of an envelope than PhD level calculations, and some fairly serious assumptions have to be made regarding the sand side and the star side. But surprise, or no surprise, it looks like the stars win out by a factor, of up to 100 times depending on the calculations. This is quite incredible isn’t it? But there’s more.


Not only is the actual number of stars and galaxies impossible to comprehend, but it may actually be an underestimate. How you might ask. Well, in March this year Discovery News announced that astronomers could have miscounted the number of galaxies in some areas of the universe by as much as 90%. Hold on a minute, how could this happen? Apparently it’s all to do with wavelengths, light blocked by interstellar clouds of dust and gas, looking through the wrong light and using the wrong prism, or something. Who knew? Bet you didn’t know we’d lost it did you? Now then Jenkins, where’s the missing part of the Universe? Don’t know sir, perhaps my dog ate it. What’s odd though is that astronomers claim that they knew this all along. Really, that’s so lame. Imagine counting the stars, then the door bell rings. You go back to the study, damn, what number did I get to? A whole lifetime’s work, gone with the ding-dong, there goes this year’s Nobel Prize.


If economists are often referred to as practicing a dismal science, what should we call astronomers? How about Astronomes Seeking The Real Overall Number of Massive Errantly Recorded Stars? 

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Day of Creation

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Have you ever thought about the date of Creation? Religious types often did, and in the English-speaking world, one of the most well known estimates in modern times was that of Archbishop James Ussher (1581–1656), the Anglican Archbishop of Armagh (now Northern Ireland). Formulated from a literal reading of the Bible he proposed a date of Sunday, October 23, 4004 BCE for the exact time of creation, at the previous nightfall, exactly 4,000 years before the birth of Christ.

Interesting isn’t it? But there’s a problem here, something so obvious you wonder how Mr. Ussher missed it. You’ve guessed of course. If the first day of creation was indeed Sunday, October 23, 4004 BCE, what the hell was happening on October 22nd? Just a thought. Creation Day Eve anyone?

Dumpster pools

This summer New York City opened three artificial pools on the East side of Park Avenue between 40th and 41st street. Using dumpsters (a skip in the UK) and surrounded by a five foot wide metal deck, they were also accompanied by changing room cabanas, portable showers, and toilets. That’s interesting. From my recollection of pre-teen swimming lessons, the last two can actually be accommodated by the pool itself. The idea follows on from a successful 2009 experiment in Brooklyn. Certainly gives a whole new meaning to the phrase dumpster diving!

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Flying and jam-packed planes

According to Joe Sharkey, the New York Tines business travel writer, airplanes are taking off fuller than ever. For example, Continental Airline’s July load factor, the average percentage of seats full on flights, was 88 percent. A new bums on seats record. The rest of the U.S. airlines are expected to report similar results. Sounds familiar I am sure. But you’re probably thinking, if every flight I board is always 100% full, these stats must be wrong, right? Well, think about it. These figures are averages of all flights, so for every full plane, there’s one somewhere that flew at say 75%. Today traveling on full planes is more of a chore than ever, with passengers furious about being nickel and dimed, packed overhead bins as more passengers fly with the kitchen sink, apathetic cabin crews (Jet Blue excepted!), lousy refreshments, and disappearing empty seats.

Full planes have taken away on of our favorite airline comforts, yes, that empty middle seat. According to www.Independent Traveler.com, research by Boeing revealed that the number uno reason for passenger perception of comfort is; an empty seat next to you. Unfortunately that seat is always occupied and, unless you are built like an anorexic midget, its occupant is almost bound to impinge on your space. Airlines like to boast of seat pitches, but less attention is paid to seat width because the dirty little secret is that it hasn’t changed by any significant amount. Which, compounded with, ahem, bigger people flying does not a happy camper make.

So let’s get the skinny on, the very bottom line of what has been happening in the wonderful world of airline seats. Hint; nada, zip, not a lot.

Seat width, measured simply as the width of the actual seat cushion, was 17” on the Boeing 707 introduced in 1959, and right now only varies between 17” and 18.5” Even the new Airbus A380 (double-decker) has seats of 18.1” width. Not much progress you say, and you are right. Of course, we are talking sardine class; the fat cats at the pointed end in Business and 1st Class get appropriately wide fat-cat seats.

According to Boeing, their new 787 “Dreamliner” will be sold with two economy class configurations. If an airline selects the 3-3-3 and the 2-5-2 passenger density layout (maxpax?), seat widths will be 17.18” (don’t you just love the two decimal points of accuracy, suggests desperation!). If the 3-2-3 or 2-4-2 arrangement is selected then seat-bottom widths will be 18.5”, comparable to that found on its current 777, and apparently recommended by detailed passenger ergonomics studies. Not quite sure what “detailed passenger ergonomic studies” were used. Perhaps their test subjects were ergenomes! Boeing expects most airlines expected to select the 3-3-3 maxpax configuration. No surprise there. So over the last 51 years, during a time of immense change in transportation, such as spaceflight, launching satellites (one of which is now actually leaving the solar system), the airlines have worked hard to provide increasingly efficient plane designs, reduced fuel consumption, and have generously provided to cattle class customers, the very bread and butter (or bane?) of their existence, their very raison d’être, and so on, just over one whole inch extra for their burgeoning muffin tops. Whoopdeedo.

So, let’s see how this extra inch compares. Don’t get excited ladies! According to the U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) the average BMI (body mass index, a weight-for-height formula used to measure obesity) over the last few years has increased significantly. Average adult Americans are about one inch taller, but nearly a whopping 25 pounds heavier than they were in 1960. Ah, note the use of the word average. That means, that there are people above and below the mean (above; anywhere in Florida. below; New York). Apparently, average BMI has increased among adults from approximately 25 in 1960 to 28 in 2002. Also, the average weight for men aged 20-74 years rose dramatically from 166 pounds in 1960 to 191 pounds in 2002, while the average weight for women the same age increased from 140 pounds in 1960 to 164 pounds in 2002. Oink!

So, the obvious question is: if seat-widths haven’t expanded along with the nation’s waistline, where do they think this extra mass is going to go? In the overhead locker, under the seat, in the seat-back pocket, the sick bag (plastic lined to prevent leakage!), or even checked luggage? Amazing isn’t it, that over the same period that we have basically put on weight equivalent to two supermarket bags of potatoes the airlines have resolutely stick their head in the sands and said TSB.

Unfortunately it’s worse for the middle seat passenger, the equivalent of airline hell. You may not know but airlines tend to fill up the middle seats last, understandably because nobody, but nobody would choose to sit there. The flying equivalent of restaurant Siberia, the table by the rest-room door. There you have worst of both worlds, can’t look out the window, can’t stretch your feet out in the aisle (useful for tripping up that little ADHD afflicted tyke from the seat in front of you). Either side of you the seated passenger has actual elbow room, enough to lean next to the window, nestling in the gentle curvature of the plane’s fuselage, whilst the aisle seat user can confidently wave his elbows around, open the newspaper full width, jab the cabin crew in their thighs, as they pass. What does Mr. Middle Seat have for his penance? Not much. And have you ever tried eating with your elbows literally pinned to your ribcage? Probably just easier to bob your head forward like some demented chicken, hoping to hoover up some of the slop, without making too much of a mess, In fact, the airlines should provide extra wide straws for middle seat sufferers, that way you could just suck it all up.

So, where does all of this extra oomph go, bearing in mind that we have a whole lateral inch to play with. It has to go somewhere, and it does. It tends to settle below the armrest. As your fellow flyer oozes into his space, you feel it against your upper thigh. Nice. There’s nothing like the unwelcome touch of your fellow passenger’s body parts. Ick! And have you noticed that your fellow flyers have always got bigger elbows than you. True, true, true. So, as for dibs on the arm-rests, fuggedaboutit! Battery hens have more space.

When you think about it, it’s quite disconcerting sharing space with total strangers. Not even New York restaurants have seats that close, and that is saying something!

Happy flying. Or not.

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Destination details and too much information

The Wall Street Journal reported last month that Safi Airways, a new start-up airline flying between Kabul and Frankfurt, Dubai and Kuwait, has a no holds barred policy for its in-flight magazine. According to the WSJ a recent edition included articles on Kabul heroin addicts, photos of bullet-pocked tourist sites and ads for mine-resistant sport-utility vehicles. Military spec Humvees presumably.

And this absolute gem of an insider's tip about one of the city's leading luxury hotels, and note the italicized words were included and are not editorial comment! "The rooms are individually air-conditioned, accessorized with amenities you will find in 4-star hotels abroad, sheets are clean, view from the room is nice, and—after the suicide bombing that took place—security measures have been implemented."

Brilliant. You really couldn’t make this stuff up.

Actually flipping the pages of the magazine, it’s quite apparent that their journos are very active, images and stories from around the world, everywhere it seems other than Afghanistan!

Anyway, this got me thinking. What advice would we give the intrepid traveler arriving at JFK? Here are a few thoughts.

If it smells like; curry, you’re in a cab; garlic, you’re in an Italian limo; cigarettes, the drivers Irish or Asian; and horseshit, you’re riding a carriage in Central Park.

The taxi barrier protects you from your driver

They’re potholes not bomb craters

Yes, it’s expensive.

No, Africans on the street do not sell genuine Gucci bags

Run don't walk

No, Law and Order isn't real

Don't ask – we only have two degrees of separation from someone killed in 9/11

Yes you look like a tourist

There are no fat people in NY

Fuhgeddaboudit!

Medieval gastronomy – or, Ye Olde Kokery

Have you ever stopped to think what life in medieval times was like, I mean really like. We’ve all read traditional history book accounts of peasants living on thin gruel, whilst the landed gentry chowed down on huge roasts, tossing bones to the dogs. Well even the peasants have to have something to gnaw on. Turns out, this may owe more to Hollywood than reality. Some things just don’t change then.

Apparently recent historical research is providing a different and richer picture, concluding that much of the food served on the medieval dinner table would be recognized and enjoyed today. And even good manners were taken seriously. Medieval etiquette frowned on unsanitary dogs at the dinner table, presumably unless they washed their hands first. So, cooks made sure to boil them past 160 degrees to comply with fledgling FDA regulations (Food Done Alot). According to Bridget Ann Henisch, a medieval scholar and author of several books on medieval cooking, "I think it would be very recognizable….today, with the same tastes…It was more adventurous. Even the keenest foodie would not be so adventurous today." Well, them’s fightin’ words Bridget. So what you got?

Well, below the salt it was definitely survival rations, eminently suitable for peasants; plain and simple. They lived on broths thickened with grains, perhaps oatcakes cooked in the ashes of fires or on heated stones. Since most wheat harvested was sold on the market, peasant breads were generally made from barley and rye. There was also horse-bread, a type of bread commonly consumed in medieval Europe. A cheap, low-quality bread made from peas and beans as well as, or instead of grains. It was fed to horses but also eaten by the peasants and those who could not afford white bread (which was the most expensive bread, as it was more processed). Low caloric, but very high in fiber, horse-bread was one of the Middle Ages' first natural laxatives. Thereby producing the original horse-shit?

According to Medieval-life.net it was also common to leave a stockpot on the fire during the day into which greens or foraged foods were added, and then thickened before eating. Peasants got what little proteins they could from peas and beans that would be added to bread and pottage. Pottage was often favored over bread, because it did not require expensive greens. Raw vegetables were considered unhealthy and rarely eaten. Meat was a rarity and fortunate families may have added salt pork or fatty bacon for flavor and protein.

Ales made from barley would provide liquid refreshment, as would water drawn from the well, sweetened with honey. Lacking in vitamins A, C and D, medieval diets were not high in calories, hence regular beer drinking was necessity for most. Ah, would for those days of yore? Whilst the diet was somewhat "heart-smart;" low in fat and high in fiber, it was very often a hungry one.

For the upper crust, however, life was good. Generally, as landowners they owned the living animals on their lands, and among things eaten were starlings, vultures, gulls, herons, cormorants, swans, cranes, peacocks, capons, chickens, dogfish, porpoises, seals, whale, haddock, hedgehogs, cod, salmon, sardines, lamprey eels, crayfish and oysters. Turnips, parsnips, carrots, peas and fava beans (liver and a nice Chianti anyone?) were the usual vegetables, and use of onions, garlic, and the nutmeg, cloves and cinnamon spices common. Well, definitely a few surprises in there. Hedgehog sandwich and whale steaks anyone? I can also see one or two problems, with this list, can’t you? There could be a slight problem with freshness, particularly for the marine bounty. Can’t exactly fly in a few whales by FedEx for chef’s poisson du jour, not too good for the carbon foot-print. And also, we’re going to need a really big fire.

The kitchen staff of huge noble or royal courts were pretty large and were often (or shoulde that be oft?) required to provide at least two daily meals for several hundred people. But fortunately help was at hand. There were any number of butchers, bakers, candle-stick makers, carvers, cellarers, butlers (in charge of the buttery – butt, cask, hence drinks), waferers, sauciers (note the French influence), larderers (meat and fish), page boys, milkmaids (all in a row?), countless scullions and my favorite, the pantlers (in charge of bread and the pantry).

The aspiring chef didn’t have many documented resources, and what there were often lacked specific quantities. Easy on the pepper!

For example, “A Boke of Kokery” a manuscript that was written around 1440, contained 182 recipes. There was also “Forme of Cury” (cury was the word for cooking), with almost 200 recipes. Compiled around 1390 by the Master-Cooks of King Richard II, it was presented to the first Queen Elizabeth. Also, preparations for two-day banquets could be found in the cookbook “Du fait de cuisine” ("On cookery") written in 1420 by Maistre Chiquart, master chef of Amadeus VIII, Duke of Savoy. Interestingly, Chiquart recommends that the chief cook should have on hand at least 1,000 cartloads of "good, dry firewood" and a large barn of coal. Get digging chaps.

I wondered to myself, what if the noble household wanted to contract out their catering, get some takeout as we say. Unlike take-aways, of course, which is Chinese arithmetic. So I imagined a one-way conversation, as popularized by the very clever Bob Newhart, and here it is.

Medieval take-out

Good morning, Bulls Head Catering, how can we help you?

You’re having a party. Well nothing’s too large for us, we cater to royalty you know

You are royalty. And what did you say your name was? It’s Henry.

Well Mr.Henry can I take your order? Oh, I hadn’t realized. You’re the eighth. No sire, I won’t forget, so long as my head’s still attached to my body.

OK so you want 300 caskets of ale, 100 caskets of wine. Hold on sire, I need to write this down, let me get my quill and parchment.

And, 1 large bottle of wine sweetened with sugar, nutmeg and ginger, 104 oxen, 6 wild bulls, 1,000 sheep, 304 calves, 400 swans, 2,000 geese, 1,000 capons, 2,000 pigs, 104 peacocks, over 13,500 other birds, 500 stags, bucks and roes, 1,500 venison pies, 608 pikes and breams, 12 porpoises and seals.

How many people are expected? Ah, only the 5000, I should have guessed.

Anything for the main course? No sire, it’s not that funny, but it’s a catering joke, it keeps us amused.

No sire, I do understand. It’s just a light lunch. Struth!

And you also want the 24 blackbirds. Now, how do you want them prepared? In a pie. Yes, of course, I should have realized.

And you also want the Shepherd’s Pie? That’s an all-in-one dish we call Serf and Turf. No sire, they’re always fresh, never frozen.

What about the hedgehog pie? Oh, it didn’t go down too well last year, I see. Pricks on the inside. A bit like riding in that fancy carriage of yours. No sire, you must have misheard me.

About the bulls, they’re wild. Oh I see, we should grab them by the…oh, you said horns.

What about sweets? You want 13,000 dishes of jelly, cold baked tarts, custards and spices, and sugared delicacies.

Anything else then? Oh I see, some wafers. Will After 8’s do? Right, nothing too heavy.

Any specials? Well we do have compost. No sire, not compote. Compost is cooked root vegetables in sweet vinaigrette.

We also have some garbage, for you. Yes sire, I am being serious. It’s animal entrails, goes down well with the peasants.

They’re revolting? Well I am sure some of them don’t wash…..Oh, I see, we’ll cancel the garbage then. Are you going away?

And the whales, on harpoons. Yes sire, it is a nice little appetizer , very playful. Let me see if we have any left from last year.

You want them when? Well, normally we do need 24 hours notice…Yes sire, I do value my life. It’s thirty minutes or everything’s on me.

And will that be cash or charge? Alright, I’ll send the bill to the Chancellor.

Incredibly, all of the above were documented as being provided to the 6,000 guests invited to the daylong 1467 installation ceremonies of Archbishop Neville of York in England. Conspicuous consumption, epicurean excess or just showing-off?

Sandwiches - American or English ?

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Sandwiches, sarnies, sammies, yes we Brits love ‘em. Cheese (must be grated) and pickle (must be Branston), chip buttys, bacon and egg, and the clichéd cucumber sandwich. There, I think that’s all the main food groups covered. You know what you are getting by the names.

Across the pond however here in America, it’s a different story. American sammies are indecipherable with such wonderful names. Examples; Dagwoods, Scooby snacks (cartoon, but what a name!), PB&J’s, Po’boys, Muffaletta, Fluffernutter (don’t ask), sloppy joes, subs (predates its eponymous namesake), heros, Philly’s, hoagies, and my own favorite, the grinder!

But ordering them in America takes skill and years of practice. So many choices. White, whole-wheat (not brown as you say in England), rye, ciabbata, toasted, and that’s just the bread. And then there are the fixings; (hold the) mayo, tomato, lettuce, and finally the fillings, the real meat and potatoes of the sandwich. Thing is, it takes practice to get your exact order out without stumbling. No, if you can’t confidently say in a loud voice “beef on whole-wheat, toasted, mayo, tomato, lettuce, pickles, Russian dressing, soda, to go” without stuttering and feeling like a rank amateur then you will be trampled in the rush.

As a Brit growing up in England, sandwich filling is a misnomer compared to the great American sandwich, in all its exuberance. My wife loves to jest about English sandwiches, and what appears to be the general lack of filling. A slice, one only, of cheese, beef or perhaps luncheon meat in-between two thickish slices of white bread. To her, a joke compared to its American calorific, heart-stopping cousins. The filling is the sandwich. There needs to be at least ½ a pound of meat and cheese in there, these are not tea sandwiches peoples, these are real sandwiches.

Of course it all depends upon what you are used to so let us pause for a moment, contemplate the 1970’s, and determine how much progress has been made sandwich-wise, by analyzing the great British Rail (BR) sandwich. The ultimate insult to any sandwich, yes even the British sandwich, and the very nemesis of nice nosh.

To the uninitiated BR was a government owned, national rail system operator. And like all government owned institutions, usually prefixed with British, a virtual guarantee of unprofitable money pits. Thus were British Airways – had to be privatized; British Steel – had to be privatized; British Coal – bankrupted by striking miners, you get the picture. BR catering was an oxymoron if ever there was one and a by-word for dire, dirty, and a drudge behind the counter. The restaurant was laughingly named a Buffet Car, rocking and rolling down the tracks, serving weak tea, fresh coffee in name only, and those bloody awful sandwiches.

Job requirements for the Buffet Car service were strict but low enough that only the severely disadvantaged would make the grade. Grade being a relative word you understand. Usually some pimply youth with broken fingernails, a magnificent crop of acne, topped by hair so oily he must have rinsed his head in the grease trap before starting his shift.

And how is it, and this can be applied across the board to any government, or local council run enterprise that requires the wearing of a uniform, how is it that those uniforms never actually fit anyone, absolutely no-one at all. How did they manage that? I would hate to see that tailors dummy! The uniforms, as in uniformly ugly, had no real structure, were shapeless and apparently made with a special brand of shiny nylon. It must have been embarrassing to wear it. Working for BR already had you down as a loser, so perhaps it didn’t really matter.

No, the minimum job requirement to work in Buffet Car service was the ability to slice ham so thin you could actually see through it, insert between two thick slices of white bread, place under a glass dome until the edges turn up, and serve. And do you remember, there was always one left. How did they manage that? And what is it about glass domes protecting food, trying to evoke a darling little Parisian patisserie? Can’t quite put my finger on it but something was missing. Ambience perhaps, no, there was always enough smoke in a BR carriage to evoke Paris, that’s for sure. Ah, got it, location, location, location.

In 2002 The Daily Telegraph newspaper in Britain reported on an actual BR document that provided detailed instructions on how to prepare its infamous sandwiches, as follows. First, a trick: stack the filling on the middle of the lower slice of bread, so that when cut in two it would appear fulsome and vaguely attractive (two phrases one would never, ever, expect to see relating to anything produced by BR!). Second, a tip: When dealing with luncheon meat or sardines (why, oh why?), the filling should amount to two-thirds of an ounce. In the case of cheese the quantity was to be increased to three quarters of an ounce. An egg and cress sandwich could be a portion control nightmare apparently, not least because a single punnet of cress had to be divided into 12 to garnish a dozen rounds.

Please also remember that these magnificent specimens were prepared well before the days of sanitary food-handling regulations, requiring surgical gloves, handling paper, and tongs. I leave it to your imagination to consider how many times that British Rail sandwich was handled. It’s not a pretty picture.

And now, a few British Rail jokes:

The following announcements were reputed to have been heard over the public address system in a British railway station:

"Will the passengers who took the 3:15 to Ipswich please bring it back? We need it"

"The 4:00 to Brighton is now standing on Platform 9: but we soon hope to have it back on the tracks again", and finally

"The train now arriving on tracks 3, 4, 5, and 6.............. whoa look out, it’s coming in sideways!"

Flying and airline food

Image via Wikipedia

Don’t you just wish we could go back to the “romance of flying” days? You know, you’ve seen films of early passenger flights. The suitable attired ladies and gentlemen, because in those days they were the only ones who could afford to fly, would step into the cabin; the gentleman would allow the lady the window seat, take time to carefully place his fedora on the parcel shelf above his seat, sit back, relax, perhaps light a cigarette, and enjoy a pre-flight cocktail.

Ah, sad to say, those days are long gone. Boarding a plane today is like waiting for the sales to start on Black Monday; everyone jostles for position, you don’t know anyone, and you look like you just got out of bed. And the smells, best not go there.

Anyway, I can’t actually remember the details of my first airline meal, only that I wore a smug grin from the sheer pleasure of eating aloft whilst crossing the Alps on my way to Turkey. You may recall that in an earlier time, Hannibal crossed the Alps riding Dumbo whilst I dear reader did likewise in a Jumbo. I repeated that trip twice, each time still feeling a childish pleasure in the experience. Wanting to work abroad, following my qualification as a chartered accountant and the listless feeling of wanting something else to happen in the world, found me in 1985 on my way to Barbados to start a two year contract with my former English employer.

I’ve hit the big time, a transatlantic flight, but being a three time flying journeyman began to regard myself as a seasoned traveler. What’s more, my trip required a shuttle-flight from Manchester and a change of terminal at Heathrow. No problems at all, I’m a World Traveler now as BA used to pompously describe my section of the bus, what you Americans call Coach. Now, one of the little treats of a daytime flight on British Airways to the Caribbean was the courtesies, those little extra’s that try to lessen the “are we there yet” feeling. It can’t really of course, but every little helps on an eight or so hour flight. After take-off BA present you with a lovely little menu card, detailing the choices for lunch and which also indicates the type and timing of the afternoon tea to be served about an hour before landing. And what a little tea it was; sandwiches, a buttered scone, strawberry jam and clotted cream. Absolutely delightful. Now this is flying I thought, can’t wait to do this again.

Flights back to England are overnight from the Caribbean, so on my return flight I was pleasantly surprised to find that the toy breakfast included some scrambled eggs, little pork sausages, mushrooms and tomato. Perhaps they ran out of black pudding, I didn’t get any, but it wasn’t worth making a fuss. Not the English way you see.

What’s the point, well I’ll tell you. Airline food has come a long way. Yes it has. A long way down since those heady days. A.Long.Way.Down.

So why do they bother any more one wonders. Today, when asked if Sir is eating with us, the choices are Yes or No. It used to be chicken or beef, just like a wedding reception but without the glamour. Now it will be chicken or pasta; beef’s gone the way of free food and empty airline seats.

Today, short hops in the US barely warrant peanuts, those silly little pretzel things, and free drinks (paid for alcohol excepted). And on the subject of nut products you may have noticed stories of allergen products on airlines and whether or not these should be banned. Well, the percentage of adults or children with nut allergies who will also react violently and require medical attention is very small. According to Dr. Nicholas A. Christakis, an internal medicine doctor and professor at Harvard Medical School, no more than 150 people die in the United States from serious allergic food reactions per year. That’s right, per year. So at the risk of offending an extremely small minority, how about this; if you are allergic, take some responsibility for your actions, you have a brain use it, read the labels, just say no. Simples. End of.

No, if there is any food on the plane, it’s more likely to be a cardboard snack biscuit, a cheese and cracker package that wouldn’t be out of place on a third world airline (to which I can attest), or a sandwich. And what is it about airline sarnies. They appear to have been thrown together, sat on and stored very cold, a bit like your typical cabin crew perhaps. They are so anemic looking, the filler barely discernible and usually transparent, is that “cheese”? And a limp slice of tomato, just for color you understand.

It’s the bean-counters of course, and basic economics. The airlines have to reduce the costs. They screwed the pilots out of their lavish contracts, the cabin crew survives on gossip and those little liquor bottles, so why should passengers expect a better deal. Average fares have just not kept up with the increase in operating costs, principally the price of jet fuel which has literally risen many fold over the last 15-20 years. The average cost of food provided free on an average domestic flight is only about $2 per person, a very small percentage of the price of any flight today.

But, somehow, I don’t think the airlines have quite thought this through.

Consider this. In allowing, nay encouraging even, passengers to pack their own lunch so to speak, coach cabin has been converted into an aromatic smorgasbord of dubious pleasure. We now have the spectacle of flyers charging down the aisle, carrying pizzas, donuts, hot dogs, burgers, huge drinks, all of which have to be stowed somewhere. At an appropriate time this cornucopia of chow will be opened up and consumed to the consternation, delight, and even envy of fellow passengers. And just like in a restaurant, you always want what your neighbor decided to eat, right?

This is not a good thing. Think about it, from a system of forced feeding, standard container sizes, coffee cups, and dinky little wine bottles, all of which can be packaged back into those nice little trolleys , the potential for greater and unwieldy garbage has surely increased.

But perhaps help is at hand, the canny traveler has two additional choices to consider, Kosher or vegetarian meals.

I am absolutely convinced that Kosher meals are a better deal than the standard fare served to the rest of us in cattle class. Two reasons; they are served first, and they look bigger. Haven’t you noticed this? And when the passengers get them they always peer at the packaging and turn up their faces. Never quite sure if they are pre-judging the food or it’s not their favorite Kosher symbol. Who knows? So next time I think I’ll put in for a Kosher meal, see what it’s like. Mind you, bit of a bummer having to wear those hair curls, shirt tassels and funny hats, but it might be worth it. Just don’t ask me to drop my pants to prove it!

So, how about a vegetarian meal? I think that the days of nut cutlets are long gone. The fruit may be fresher, and besides there isn’t much meat in airline meals anymore, so it could be a smart choice. Or not.

Maybe you are right. But you know, I don’t dislike airline food so long as it doesn’t consist of stupid little snacks, and other junk products. Let’s face it, it gives a little frisson of excitement, the thought of something to do, eat and drink. And it helps to pass the time, and keeps the cabin crew running up and down the aisle. And there’s nothing wrong with that, unless they’re American Airlines girls, ahem, 50 year old girls.

Going forward it is clear that a new rating system should be introduced for all airline food. This way there would be no surprises. These are my suggestions:

Fresh, Was fresh, Edible, Inedible, Dog food, Dog won’t eat it, Garbage

Happy eating!

Check this out before you go, a hilarious letter from a disgruntled Virgin Airline passenger
www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/travelnews/4344890/Virgin-the-worlds-best-passenger-complaint-letter.html

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