Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Grinch and Scrooge surface in Manhattan

The Thanksgiving celebration in the US of A is the last of the way-stations on the road to Christmas, so we are now on the downward slope to the end of the year. Bucking the tradition of completing one Holiday event before commencing the next one, it seems that the Sally Army’s Christmas bells were ringing a week early this year, as of today they’ve already been out for two weeks in Manhattan. No doubt trying to beat the recession, which still continues to haunt us, and give us longer to feel guilty every time we pass without emptying our pockets of spare change. Grr!

Apartment buildings are stringing up the silver, blue fairy lights in the trees afront of their buildings. Our local specialty grocer has stocked up with chocolate Santas, and is now erecting the A-frames on which to display their Christmas trees.

But what really got my goat today was, on returning to our apartment, an envelope slipped under the door. Lo, what could this be I thought; a kind note from our neighbors for their occasional Saturday night Bacchanalia; no, it must be the note from the newspaper delivery service, no it wasn’t. It was worse. Much worse, it was the annual Holiday Season card from the building management wishing us all the best. I bet, and they kindly listed all the building staff by department, by name in case we wonder who does our bidding sometimes sight unseen. I wonder why they did this.

You’ve guessed, it’s the annual “hold the tenants to ransom tax” perpetuated on all doormen apartment buildings in New York. Let’s just say that concierge staff, doormen, porters, maintenance, and security don’t come cheap. Finally at the top, the manager, the one you absolutely have to bow down and kiss the ring to; the big cheese, the big kahuna. Why you ask. Well for starters he’s got his hands on your deposit money. Gives them a bit of an edge don’t you think? But it’s still November people, albeit the 30th. Couldn’t you just wait one more day, and at least pretend you’re not desperate? Grr! Bah humbug !

And, and tonight NBC is showing "How the Grinch stole Christmas". Yes, from December 25th to November 30th! Puleese.



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Carnival Cruise and the SPAM secrecy mystery

Couldn't have a canned meat collection without...Image via Wikipedia

The recently cut short Mexican cruise of the Carnival Splendor due to an onboard fire, has produced an interesting mystery regarding the serving , or not, of this much derided pink meat. Miami-based Carnival Cruise Lines says it sent a supplier an urgent request for 65,000 pounds of supplies and canned and boxed foods, with the option of substituting similar items if a requested product was unavailable. Some SPAM was shipped, as evidenced by newspaper shots of the dock, but one does wonder what product could possibly be substituted by SPAM. With the press reporting that SPAM was eaten on board, a denial was issued by a Carnival Senior Cruise Director who acknowledged that SPAM was received on-board, but insisted it wasn’t served to Guests or Crew. What were they waiting for; a special occasion? Adding to the mystery, after docking in the Californian port of San Diego the SPAM was trucked a few miles to a Navy Air Station, which interestingly, would not confirm whether the SPAM was actually received. Curiouser and curiouser said Alice. Shades of Rockwell here don’t you think, I wonder what they are hiding, illegal SPAMmers ?

Perhaps it was appropriate that Carnival Cruise lines, long catering to the cheaper end of the market since their inception, would accept SPAM; sometimes considered poor people’s food.

But you know there’s a lot of fuss about SPAM, so in order to separate the wheat from the chaff I took the case. My purchased tin is quaintly labeled “SPAM” with a smaller subtitle “Classic”. Yes, just like Coke, SPAM has a classic recipe and the ingrediments are: pork with ham, salt, water, modified potato starch (a binder), sugar (taste), and sodium nitrite (prevent botulism and act as a preservative). As my Dad says when he tries something new, “there’s nothing to dislike”. How true. Much of the calorific content comes from the amount of fat, over 30% of our daily requirement, but this is meat after all. Yes, pork and ham.

My wife is one of those people who have some sort of genetic predisposition that prevents them from eating SPAM. It’s not that they won’t eat it, they just can’t. Can I carve a slice off the SPAM loin dear? (Those of you who are grammar experts will no doubt say; I don’t know, can you? Very droll). I think she would rather eat monkey brains with a spoon than allow SPAM to cross her lips. Is it the cheap food stigma, the fact that it was a WWII staple, the inevitable reference to Monty Python’s classic sketch ridiculing the product, or even a possible acronym “Specially Processed American Meat”? I confess to actually liking SPAM. Eaten fried, with two eggs, or in a sandwich with some pickle or English mustard, it’s a treat. It’s even known as Hawaiian steak, given that island’s affinity with the product. There are other mockronyms such as "Something Posing As Meat", "Specially Processed Artificial Meat", "Stuff, Pork and Ham", and "Spare Parts Animal Meat"

According to the SPAM web-site you can now get regional SPAM products like Spam Hot & Spicy (with Tabasco for the Cajuns in Louisiana presumably), Spam Lite (California market?), Spam Oven Roasted Turkey, Hickory Smoked (backwoods of Alabama?), and Spam Spread. Who knew? Introduced in 1937, the name SPAM was chosen in a naming contest, with the Hormel Company citing it as a portmanteau word of “Spiced Meat and Ham”. And, to really get those creative cooking juices flowing, there is an Advanced Recipe search tab on the SPAM web-site. Yes, advanced recipes for SPAM!

There’s more, Hawaiian and Guam folk scarf down over 16 cans each year, and one popular dish in Hawaii is cooked SPAM combined with rice and nori seaweed. Spushi anyone? Slice, battered and deep-fried SPAM fritters came to fame during WWII in England. For some reason it was also a staple of my school dinners, which given it’s provenance as chopped pork and ham with no fillers and binders, makes me think that we were sold a bill of goods. After all it ain’t that cheap. Over in the Philippines it is commonly eaten with flied lice, or eggs for breakfast. And is even regarded a delicacy in Seoul, South Korea, and can be seen in store windows alongside imported European luxury goods such as wine, exotic mushrooms and Swiss chocolates. Quite understandable really; after all this is a nation that still woks the dog! And finally, a kosher variant of SPAM, known as Loof (a Hebrew distortion of meatloaf) is used in field rations of the Israeli Defense Forces. Interesting, if you take chopped ham and pork out of SPAM, what are you left with? I know I know, too much information.

SPAM was first l(a)unched onto the American market in 1937 when Jay Hormel added spices to the company’s existing canned ham range, to distinguish their product from its imitators. Some of whom even used head cuttings such as lips, snouts, and even ears. Using pork shoulder, the ham was added later; it was not an instant seller but was touted for its value and convenience.

Hormel supplied Allied troops with 15 million cans of SPAM per week throughout the war. World leaders such as Eisenhower, Margaret Thatcher, and Nikita Khrushchev have all apparently credited the pink stuff for its effectiveness. SPAM, don’t leave home without it. What were they doing, throwing all those cans at the enemy? That’s a lot of SPAM. Or SpamALot, as the Broadway stage play would have it.

The primary ingredient is chopped pork shoulder meat mixed with ham, with some ham meat from the legs. The US Department of Agriculture does not permit any non-meat fillers in lunchmeat, nor does it allow pig snouts, lips, or ears. What a shame, I think a little crunch would add a certain…a certain intrigue to the mouth-feel. Oh a little crunchy bit, I wonder what that was? Pork shoulder meat is literally squeezed off the bone by powerful hydraulic presses, and the ham meat is actually hand-cut from the bone. So you see, real meat! The meat is then ground, the other ingrediments added, and the whole lot is cooked in vacuum mixers (to reduce the amount of gelatin produced).

Every Friday all executives involved in SPAM production meet to visually inspect, and even taste several batches of the weekly production. That must be fun! Just imagine the anticipation each week. Or not.

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Sunday, November 28, 2010

Harry Potter and the Deathly Last Gasp - Part the First

Lego Harry PotterImage by Trostle via Flickr

The world’s oldest boy wizard, Harry Potter, rode into town recently on his broomstick and accompanied by sidekicks, Ron Weasley and Hermitheonlygoodlookingone Granger. Currently performing a round of grueling talk show interviews where they will no doubt impress even the most jaded of talking heads with their ability to actually speak words with more than two syllables and be understood. Of course, they could recite the nutrition information on the cornflakes box, but so long as it’s in English the air-head interviewers will dribble and lap it up. I should know. My wife trots me out for her music conservatory socials, to great effect I might add.

With the possibility of there being no life left after the 2nd part of the boy-Wonder epic, rumor has it that the Government intervened with the film’s producers demanding that the film be issued in two halves, in order to guarantee the continued existence of the actors full employment scheme. Thereby proving that you can, in fact, flog a dead horse; or Griphenhog or whatever it’s called in the books. Rumors that successive sequels would be continually be bifurcated (good word!) have so far been denied, thus raising the possibility that our thespian trio will forever ride into their dying days outfitted with walkers, canes and motorized broomsticks.

Job preservation is important since the current dearth of British Film Industry staples such as Harry Potter, James Bond films, and the lack of scripts for Helen Mirren and Dame Judy Dench to play royalty yet again will be seriously damaging their pension plans. Even the Queen was heard to say, why did no-one see this coming? Quite so Ma’am.

Does any self-respecting chap watch these? Well, sadly it seems that they do. After the first midnight showing in New York, post-film interviewers managed to find some ageing twit dressed up as the Wizard himself; probably an Upper West Sider. But you have to hand it to JKR, she certainly came up with some great names for her Dogfart Academy denizens; led by Professor Humblegate, assisted by Severely Snide, undermined by Wacko Badboy, and taught by Professor McGonagoggloggloggle and her Sporting Rat. And let’s not forget Moldywarts and Hardgrind.

But remember, real men don’t Quidditch.

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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving and history

President George W. Bush offers an official pa...Image via Wikipedia


In September 1620, the Mayflower set sail from Plymouth, England, carrying 102 God-fearing passengers, 25 crew and reached Cape Cod after a 66 day journey far north of their intended destination; the mouth of the Hudson river. Moving south into Massachusetts Bay, the Pilgrims eventually walked ashore at Plymouth Rock. Incredible, having departed the English port of Plymouth, they succeeded in making landfall at the only other same-named place in the world, and all without GPS. Of course they didn’t actually walk ashore; they waded through the surf and stumbled on a big rock, the eponymous Plymouth Rock of yore. Now, I don’t mean to be disrespectful of an important symbol of that fateful first day, but I have seen the rock. It’s just a rock, and so well revered that over the years they moved it, dropped it, cracked it and patched it back together, and is now forlornly embedded under a ridiculously large gazebo. But it’s still just a rock.

Living on the ship over the winter, over half died of malnourishment, scurvy and contagious diseases. Moving ashore in the Spring, the Pilgrims were introduced to Squanto, a member of the Pawtuxet tribe (present-day Massachusetts and Rhode Island), who had been kidnapped by the explorer John Smith, taken to England, but successfully escaped back to his native land. Squanto acted as an interpreter and mediator between the new arrivals and local Native Americans. He taught the Pilgrims how to cultivate corn, extract sap from maple trees, catch fish in the rivers and avoid poisonous plants. He also helped the settlers to befriend the Wampanoag, a local tribe, which would endure for more than 50 years; one of the few examples of co-existence between European colonists and Native Americans.

After a successful harvest in the Fall of 1621, Governor William Bradford organized a feast with local tribe the Pokanokets, the Wampanoag chief, and his fellow colonists. It is this meal that is considered the basis for the Thanksgiving holiday. Apparently lasting three days there is scant record of the actual foods that were eaten, except as noted by the Pilgrim chronicler Edward Winslow who wrote in his journal that the Governor sent four men on a “fowling” mission in preparation for the event, and that the Wampanoag guests arrived bearing five deer. Lacking an oven and adequate supplies of sugar, dessert dishes such as pies or cakes were not featured. Three days does seem a little extravagant. You may think, mistakenly, that today's groaning Thanksgiving tables are laden with same victuals eaten by the original Thanksgivers. Not so apparently. It is more likely that they dined on some of the following; wild turkey, fish, rabbit, chicken, squashes, beans, onions, and other vegetables and nuts. Corn, not good as a vegetable in those days, may have been made into some form of bread possibly sweetened with maple syrup.

Moving along, President Abraham Lincoln declared the final Thursday in November as a national day of thanksgiving, but it wasn’t until 1941 when Congress finally made Thanksgiving Day an official national holiday. It’s a busy time to be traveling, as according to The American Automobile Association 42 million Americans will travel 50 miles or more from home over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, with about 1.5 million by air.

The current tradition of presidential turkey pardons began in 1947, under Harry Truman, but the practice is said to have informally begun with Abraham Lincoln, who granted a pardon to his son Tad's pet turkey. On November 20, 2007, President George W. Bush granted a "pardon" to two turkeys, named May and Flower, at the 60th annual National Thanksgiving Turkey presentation, held in the Rose Garden at the White House. Then, and I kid you not, the two turkeys were then flown to Orlando, Florida, where they served as honorary grand marshals for the Disney World Thanksgiving Parade. This rather seems to be an odd tradition for the leader of the free world to carry on, somewhat lacking in gravitas don’t you think?

Interestingly, three towns in the U.S. take their name from the traditional Thanksgiving bird, including Turkey, Texas (pop. 465); Turkey Creek, Louisiana (pop. 363); and Turkey, North Carolina (pop. 270). Note the population numbers. Not much to give thanks for in those towns.

Oh and by the way, turkey does indeed contain tryptophan, an essential amino acid and a natural sedative, but so do a lot of other foods, including chicken, beef, pork, beans and cheese. So basically, turkey tryptophan is an excuse for a good nap after a heavy (fats and carbs) and probably boozy lunch. Who needs an excuse?

And finally, I was once asked if the English celebrate Thanksgiving. Well, I thought, apart from dispatching people like you who ask stupid questions we have nothing to give thanks for. But not wanting to upset this, until now, apparently intelligent person I smiled sweetly and said no we don’t.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Sunday, November 21, 2010

TSA, full body X-rays and pat downs

An image of a TSA screener inspecting a servic...Image via Wikipedia

As Turkey Day (Thanksgiving) approaches, followed by Black Friday (or as I like to say living in this extended recessionary era “even Blacker Friday), airports across the country will be absolutely packed to the rafters with Americans traveling home to enjoy the long weekend. To which flying cynics will respond, what’s new? Fortunately the airlines are staffing up and it will be “all hands on deck” as the Wall Street Journal reported last week.

And, not to be outdone, the TSA also announced that it will be “all hands on deck”. Yes, and all hands on your tits, ass and any other body part (“my junk” as one irate passenger has already called it) we feel like patting down; all in the name of increased security, of course. Never mind screening passengers the TSA has, in the past, been quite lax in screening its own employees. With the advent of the full-body X-rays one wonders how long it will be before the TSA is staffed with legions of pedophiles, perverts and other monsters that will make security checks the equivalent of swimming with sharks or running with the bulls in Pamplona. Also in the news today, an announcement by the TSA that pilots and other airline crew would be exempt from the strip and search requirement, also known as Government Authorized Groping. Sales of pilot uniforms and fake ID badges will no doubt increase. Flyer resistance to this new procedure will now be known as the GAG reflex.

But I’m thinking that the TSA is missing a trick here. Given that we already partially disrobe, and separate all metal objects, perhaps the current procedures could be beefed up even more. After all it’s only a short step from full body X-rays, and invasive pat-downs to walk through bedbug detectors, especially for visitors leaving New York’s major airports. It may take a few seconds longer but I am sure that it would be a big help. Oh and did I mention the fumigation process yet? After the pat down, to make sure you’re nothing’s been “secreted about one’s person” departing passengers would then step through the security gate, through the footbath, and into the showers. Whoa, we’ve been here before haven’t we?

So that’s why they’re called the Security NAZIS!



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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Times Square - then and now

Broadway show billboards at the corner of 7th ...Image via Wikipedia
Traveling through Times Square on the subway the other day reminded me of my first trip to New York, back in 1995. Traveling to Stamford, Connecticut I passed through New York on my return leg. Living and working in Barbados I’d never been further north than Miami, and as we all know Miami isn’t America, it’s a suburb of Cuba, but with money. So this was a big adventure. From the plane window it was quite amazing to see the city cast a distant glow of light in the night sky. My work complete, I arrived at New York’s Grand Central railway station. Grand Central is a terminus, as overland trains from the Hudson River, Harlem River and Connecticut lines hurtle underground at 97th Street and Park Avenue all the way down to 42nd street and then have to stop, either that or hit the buffers. There are no through trains apart from the subway lines.

Booked into the Marriott Marquis hotel in Times Square, and being a complete rube I told the cabbie that I wanted to go to the Marriott. Of course he said “which one?” How was I supposed to know there was more than one, do I look like a big city hospitality expert? Eventually remembering its Times Square address we were soon on our way. It was then I realized that I was travelling in a transportation torture device. I don’t know if you recall but about 15 years ago, the ubiquitous Big Apple yellow-cabs weren’t exactly spacious in the back seat department. With the security shield twixt you and the driver, there was literally no room, especially for a six-footer like myself. It felt claustrophobic and quite unpleasant.

I checked in, and boy was I impressed, this was a very large hotel and you checked in on the 8th floor and it had those pod-like elevators inside the atrium. Just like those in the Towering Inferno, without the flames. Awesome, I thought. I unpacked and decided to brave the city streets and find this Times Square I’ve heard so much about, and get a bite to eat. I know what you’re thinking but just bear with me. Outside I’m all goggle-eyed at the miles and miles of flashing lights, the gigantic elevated advertising of pulsating electro-neon messages. It’s incredible really, which by the way makes London’s Piccadilly Circus look like a 40 watt candle by comparison. Broadway is sometimes still called the Great White Way, a legacy of the early days when only white lights illuminated the marquees of the newly opened theaters.

I then realized that the hotel address wasn’t quite right. Undeterred, and not wanting to be seen as a country hick, I set off looking for the Square itself. Of course there was no way I was going to ask, and reveal myself a tourist, I don’t think so.

I took all the standard precautions required when traveling in dangerous and exotic cities. Yes, in those days New York did qualify. You know the drill; leave your watch and camera in the room for the housekeeping thieves to steal, hands in pockets, act confident and look like you know where you are going. And if anyone jostles you, check your wallet. I wasn’t a complete fool; I’d seen all the movies, Taxi-Driver, Service, all determined to show New York as some sort of Dante’s Inferno.

Masses of people milling around in that directionless, shuffling manner that defines the tourist. Is this it you can almost hear them saying. Times Square was sordid, XXX rated movie stores and peep shows for the lonely hand-jobbers daring to buy a few lurid videos. Yes sir, tantric sex with a one-eyed lesbian, certainly at the back under T. Will there be anything else? The sex-trade was eventually kicked out, to meander away to another avenue and the big-box stores were persuaded to open up shop, introducing more wholesomeness to the Square. But I digress.

I walked around for a while up and down the avenues, along the cross streets, looking for the “Square”. Alas, no luck, so eventually I asked one of New York’s finest, and boy did he laugh. You’re in it he said, it’s the name of the whole area, and there is no “square” as such. Ah, the ignominy of it all. Feeling very small, which is quite difficult for a tall chap like me and even harder when I say that some New York policemen are no bigger than fireplugs these days (how did that happen?), I consider my options. It’s time to eat, but a quick look around tells me that all the restaurants are full, and there’s no way I’m going to go ask for a table for one, after all there’s nothing worse than seeing someone eating on their own. Or worse, eating solo and reading a book. You might as well hold up a sign that says “loser”. So back to the Marriott, order room service, eat, turn out the lights.

My alarm awakens me early; I have a flight to catch. I dress, pack, and exiting the lobby there are hotel guests coming back in at 4.30 in the morning! OK, so it was early Saturday morning perhaps after a rocking Friday night out. What a place, so vibrant, so alive. However after arriving at the airport I realized, after some consternation, that I must have set the alarm by mistake. Either that or the room’s previous occupant thought it amusing to fiddle with the alarm clock. Very funny. So it had been 3.30 when I left the hotel, and not 4.30.

Today, Times Square is very crowded and certainly cleaner, but is it’s fighting a losing battle against the inexorable tide of humanity, tourists, office workers, yellow cabs, delivery trucks, motor coaches, cross- town traffic. It’s all too much, something has to give. To continue to be a tourist destination New Yorkers have to embrace it with arms open and accept that change is inevitable. So far there have been half-hearted attempts to close off certain lanes to benefit foot traffic, installing tables and chairs, to make it feel like a public area. And the flying wedge atop the TKTS theater discount box is a great idea and long overdue. But traffic has got to be rerouted, stop all non-MTA (buses) traffic, yellow-cabs, and delivery related traffic from entering the area except at certain permitted times of day or night.

Office tenants suffer the most, as they wade through shoals of sluggish tourists meandering around, stopping on a dime, taking pictures. Perhaps there should be some sort of HOT lanes, High Occupancy Tenants, so that they can have quick access to the lunch spots, and give the tourists a wide berth, or is it gives the wide tourists a berth? Bit tricky that one. Pity the poor workers at the Ernst &Young accounting office. Identified by its full name spelled out running down the corner of the building, is actually relatively tasteful for the area but not the type of identification one expects from a professional services company. After all at one time such advertising wasn’t allowed. Professional chaps didn’t advertise a chaps business. Providing a convenient reference point, they thoughtfully installed a gargantuan neon-lit Red Lobster sign on the bottom corner of the building. Picture this; it’s lunchtime everyone, let’s go and eat. Order for me, I’ll just pop upstairs and get my taxes done, good job I brought my files with me. Or not.

Formerly Longacre Square (after the Long Acre of London’s carriage-making district), it was renamed Times Square in 1904 at the behest of the New York Times owner and publisher whose printing presses occupied a building at the southern end of the square.

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Monday, November 15, 2010

Political correctness spoils the fun

No political correctnessImage via Wikipedia

Here in these United States, as November rolls on, we are approaching what we have to politely call the “Holiday Season”. For fear of upsetting one or other of the various bodies (mostly religious?) that don’t like to think that they are being singled out, or not singled out for attention. Thanksgiving is up at the end of the month, and even advertising calls it the Holidays! Yuk. How is it that a very public holiday has been politicized? In the few days before Thanskgiving millions of Americans fly, ride the rails, or drive and make the pilgrimage home (note the word “grim” hidden in that word) deperately trying to avoid the pitfalls so well captured in the film Planes, Trains and Automobiles. And it is a very public holiday indeed, so much so that it is probably more important for the average American (?) than the late December “Holiday Season” whose name, like the Scottish play, shall not pass my lips.

Do you know about this superstition? All those who tread the boards know that the mere mention of the proper name of the Scottish Play (M*cb*th) within the confines of the theater will bring bad luck ranging from set accidents to actual deaths within the company. A superstition, so severe, that only the performance of some weird protestations lifts the curse. These vary from; exiting the theater, spinning around three times and cursing, and asking permission to return inside; spitting over your shoulders; repeating the words "Thrice around the circle bound, Evil sink into the ground," or; quote from Hamlet. As I say, it is only a superstition, but it does give the dahlings something to talk about.

But I digress. So, God forbid, Allah gadsouks, or Kwanzaa kumbaya we musn’t mention Ch**s**as. Can’t offend people you see, it’s all too damn politically correct for my liking. This is all very ironic really since, by not offending minorities, we end up offending the majority! I mention this because my wife prepared an invitation to a “Holiday” event that she sponsors as part of her work. When reviewing the artwork I commented that the use of red for highlights, which is their web-site color of choice for contrast, could possibly be accented by a splash of green, after all this “Holiday” event is taking place in December. Sharp intake of breath, oh no she replied, that would suggest Ch**s**as, which is not an all-inclusive celebration. It’s also why the color blue can’t be used (hint; holy Hanukkah bush Batman?). Well, here’s an idea, I thought; why not just mix red, green and blue. It would of course give us white which wouldn’t be too helpful in the visibility department. But wait, what if we used those colors on a brown or black background? Simples. Problem solved.

Enjoy!

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Friday, November 12, 2010

Polar exploration and heroes

Last expedition of Robert Falcon Scott. The im...Image via Wikipedia
Many, many years ago, studying history at my boyhood Grammar School, we had to research and write a small paper on any subject of interest, historical of course. I chose “Antarctica and the Race to the South Pole” or some such similar title. I think it was supposed to be about 20,000 words, it seemed quite daunting at the time. But I remember doing my research, reading up on Scott, Amundsen and Shackleton before them. I found it absolutely fascinating. I wrote the paper using a blue ink pen, a fountain pen mark you, with titles double-underlined in red ink. The paper was two-hole-punched and I put little ring strengtheners around the holes. There were tracings of the Antarctic continent, with little dots for each of the expeditions, and timelines. I still have it somewhere, it’s quite precious really.

As a result I was thrilled recently to visit the American Museum of Natural History in New York which has a wonderful exhibit entitled The Race to the End of the Earth. Norwegian, Roald Amundsen and Englishman, Robert Falcon Scott battled the elements, and bad luck, in their efforts to be the first humans to reach the South Pole. It is excellent, although I knew much of the information already. But when you see the facts ma’am, just the facts, professionally laid out on story boards, graphics, and stereo photography, it really comes alive. Of course it is the little details that are so touching, and at the same time confounding. For instance, Scott’s party was largely composed of Royal Navy personnel and so, typically, the large wooden structure that served as their base was divided between officers and the lower ranks, even to the extent of the mess areas, although they were all eating the same food! Not exactly an arrangement calculated to foster team work one would think. Amundsen’s team housed themselves inside the snow and ice, for better thermal protection. To them, Job One was reaching the South Pole first; nothing else was of any interest to the Norwegians.

Scott’s party even started a newsletter, using a simple printing press. And they took all the comforts of home, even bunting for a Christmas day dinner, and believe it or not, over 30,000 cigars! Perhaps not the best use of resources wouldn’t you say?

An interesting display of the exhibit showed the rations taken on what the newspapers of the day called, amusingly, the “dash for the Pole”. Dash it most certainly wasn’t. Now, picture this as your daily ration; about 14 ounces of pemmican (a dried meat and fat mix), 16 ounces of hard biscuits, 6 ounces of sugar, four of butter, two of tea (leaf tea no less, no record if they also took along a tea-cozy), and a ½ ounce of cocoa. Note the lack of anything that could provide Vitamin C. Liquid was provided by melting snow and ice. Experts have estimated this food provided about 4,500 calories, but they were burning over 7,000 per day. Their bodies would be breaking down and consuming much-needed muscle tissue. So as well as freezing to death from the outside in, they were dying from the inside out.

It’s easy to be a Monday morning quarter-back but they almost made it. Can you imagine what it must have felt like after over 50 hard back-breaking days of man-hauling sledges, with all your supplies and equipment aboard? On that fateful day, you see a little black speck in the distance. Starbucks? Hardly. A penguin? Possible, but not likely. You try to convince yourself it’s a mirage; it can’t be but it is. Amundsen’s tent is planted at the South Pole, the Norwegian Flag proudly flying in your face, literally. They got there first. Bear in mind that you have personally slogged 900 miles to get to this point, and you came second, makes marathon running a “walk in the park” category doesn’t it?

What would your reaction be? I can think of many words and phrases, “oh dear” not being one of them. “Never mind then, we’ll have a cuppa, and set off back”? Probably not, but that would be the typical British solution, most problems can be solved with tea. What utter despair they must have felt. Suffering from hunger, exhaustion, and snow blindness their return journey must have been absolutely awful. One of the men, Evans died after suffering debilitating falls. Oates, barely able to walk, voluntarily left the tent and walked to his death. Scott wrote that Oates' last words were, "I am just going outside and may be some time.” What a hero, choosing death in the hope that the remaining three could survive without carrying him.

Had they returned safely all the logistical mistakes, bad weather, insufficient rations, exhaustion would have been forgotten. But like an aircraft crash, individual actions cascade and result in tragedy. Scott’s Pole team started out late in the hope of avoiding bad weather; the motorized sledges were useless in the severe cold, a good idea but it would be many decades before they were used successfully in the Antarctic; the ponies were old nags; even the dogs went to the dogs; inexplicably Scott selected a fifth team member, though they only provisioned for four men; their last camp, after completing about 80% of the return journey, was within 12 miles of the potentially life-saving One-Ton depot (so-called because of the amount of supplies cached there). Severe bad weather prevented them leaving their tent for over a week and the rest is history. But, they almost made it.

Perhaps mention should be made of the 30 lbs of geological samples that they lugged along with them; or even the evaporating cooking-fuel stocks. Amundsen was successful because his strategy was simple; dogs and skis. And most importantly he didn’t make any of Scott’s, ultimately, fatal mistakes.

Where are the men today who would want to try and man-haul sledges 1,800 miles in three and a half months? Oh sure, it can be done but only with the benefit of modern-day accoutrements. Just like Mt. Everest, the Antarctic is a very unforgiving environment indeed. Scott was a good man, but not a natural leader it seems, making ill-thought out decisions. History hasn’t been terribly kind to him, though recently some have tried to restore his reputation. Amundsen was a doer, a realist, and better trained and equipped in the art of polar transportation.

It makes you wonder how do you recruit men to go on such epic journeys; it must be a little tricky surely. One can imagine the conversation. “Some of us chaps thought we’d sail down to Antarctica, do a bit of walking. Fancy joining us? Oh good. Well here’s the thing, it could be a bit cold, so better pack an extra layer.” There’s nothing like the English for understatement. “Oh, and one final point, we know when we are sailing but we don’t quite know when we will return, or even which year, so you’d better cancel the papers and the milk”.

On balance, they could have returned alive, small consolation perhaps. But, at least Scott had the final word, quite a few words in fact. Huddled up in their sad little tent, frozen dead comrades for company, writing words for history. Some say his writing was self-justification. Scott wrote his final words concluding “For God's sake look after our people". He also wrote his "Message To The Public", mostly defensive in nature, attributing their failure to inclement weather and other bad luck. He ended with these words “We took risks, we knew we took them; things have come out against us, and therefore we have no cause for complaint, but bow to the will of Providence, determined still to do our best to the last…Had we lived, I should have had a tale to tell of the hardihood, endurance, and courage of my companions which would have stirred the heart of every Englishman.” Well, yes but you lost two men and came second. I’m not quite sure what sort of story that would have made. Evans and Oates were the real heroes, done in by bad planning and Scott’s poor judgment.

Makes you wonder who are our modern day heroes? All the big geographical firsts are long gone, North Pole, the Matterhorn, even Mt. Everest without oxygen, solo round the world yachtsmen, rowing across the Atlantic, all done. We’re supposed to regard Sportsmen as heroes, for what, banking obscene amounts of money. Even that’s a direct deposit, not even trudging to the bank. Golfer Tiger Woods, humbled by his hole in more than one exploits; tattoed hulks, overpaid and lumbering up and down the basketball court. I don’t think so.

No, I prefer my heroes the old-fashioned way; achieving greatness through self-sacrifice, and with no expectation of monetary reward.

Postscript

Please go to this site, for a fascinating discussion of Scott, Scurvy and Limes. http://idlewords.com/2010/03/scott_and_scurvy.htm

Antarctica, is named as being opposite (Ante) the Arctic, did you know that?



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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Entente Cordiale?

David Cameron is a British politician, Leader ...Image via Wikipedia

British Prime Minister David Cameron recently hailed a "new chapter" in the history of defence co-operation between Britain and France after two signing two treaties with President Nicolas Sarkozy. The Prime Minister and the French president signed agreements for greater military co-operation including aircraft carriers, submarines, nuclear technology and ground forces. As part of the agreement, the two countries will share aircraft carrier capability. When France’s single carrier is out of service, Britain’s one vessel could conduct missions for both nations, and vice versa. Ah, two world power countries then, with their massive fleets. He also confirmed Britain’s new aircraft carriers would be adapted so they could operate with French and American planes, and so that a joint UK-France integrated carrier strike group could be deployed. Mon Dieu! The last time England was fitted out as a floating aircraft carrier they were left a legacy of cheap nylons, cigarettes, a baby boom, followed by McDonalds, Starbucks and, worst of all, TV shows like Hart to Hart and anything with David Hasselhoff in it.

"Today we open a new chapter in a long history of co-operation on defence and security between Britain and France," Mr. Cameron told a press conference at the Anglo-French Summit in London. The British Prime Minister said citizens of both countries would be "better protected" as a result of the two treaties. Mr. Sarkozy said the “unprecedented” agreement marked “a level of trust and confidence between the two countries never equalled in history.” Blah blah blah. Cameron denied rumors that additional supplies of white flags will be purchased to be deployed at the first sign of any trouble, saying that France had a very robust security alert system ranging from Run, Hide, Surrender to Collaborate. He did admit however that the ground forces would benefit from the first-class condition of the French rifles, never fired in anger, just dropped a few times.

The Prime Minister said the agreement would create a new Joint Expeditionary Taskforce - "troops who will train and exercise together". A treaty creating a new joint Anglo-French rapid reaction force would serve both countries’ interests in a world “where resources are tight”, he said. It is expected to include units from the Parachute Regiment, the Royal Marines and Special Forces including the SAS, as well as their French counterparts. Asked how many troops would be required by the Taskforce, for example to defend France, Cameron replied “that’s a known unknown, after all even the French have never tried”. A known known was the establishment in 1965 of the French special-forces unit Deep Action and Reconnaissance Commando was set-up from the French Commandos de Recherché et d'Action en Profondeur. Popularly abbreviated by armed forces throughout the world as CRAP. And, believe it or not, it wasn’t until 1999 when it was renamed the Commando Parachute Group.

"Britain and France are and will always remain sovereign nations able to deploy our armed forces independently and in our national interests when we choose to do so." Mr. Cameron pointed out the "vast bulk" of Britain's military operations in recent years had all been undertaken in co-operation with allies. Under being the appropriate word here. Bushes poodle? He said of the new undertaking: "It is about defending our national interest. It is about practical, hard-headed co-operation between two sovereign countries." He said that Britain and France were "natural partners" and went on: "This is the start of something new, not an end in itself." Mr. Cameron said: "Britain and France have a shared history through two World Wars”. Yes, on both occasions the French had to be helped out.

Mr. Sarkozy added: "If you, my British friends, have to face a major crisis, could you imagine France simply sitting there, its arms crossed, saying that it's none of our business?" No, don’t answer that question.

Further investigation into the treaty has revealed some startling details which need to be aired. Cooperation may extend to becoming joint citizens of a new Frangleterre or Britaince, with Frenglish as the new lingua franca. The nouveau working day will become cinq hours, because of le french two hour lunch avec un bouteille de plonk, un packet of Galois Bleu cigarettes, followed by la siesta. In the spirit of détente, les Francois will have our rosbif and mange it. Pour les afteurs le zitty reeshaard will make an appearance on the cross-Manche menu, plus a dollop of crème anglais.

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Monday, November 8, 2010

Elevators and etiquette

LED elevator floor indicatorImage via Wikipedia
Love ‘em or hate ‘em, they are an inescapable part of daily life in Manhattan, every single day. Going to work takes two; out of your apartment building and into an office. Lunch means another two trips, and going home another two so that’s six elevator rides in one day. Thanks goodness for Mr. Otis. There is also another elevator company, by name of Shindler, which we like to call Schindlers Lift.

Unfortunately, however, many riders are ignorant of the proper etiquette to be observed in this simplest of tasks, so here’s my Top 10.

When the door opens, walk briskly in – do not amble while continuing to text

If you have kids, get them inside the car pronto, they may be adorable but they’re your kids and I really couldn’t give a damn

Do not wave your arms around, that’s right lady, your left arm is the reason the door won’t close

If you’re younger than me, I may allow you to exit first, but do not presume

If you’re very young and have an attitude, I reserve the right to trip you up on exit

Sticking your arm in the gap to hold the elevator is selfish. What, you couldn’t wait two minutes for the next one? Especially when you live on the second floor

If you do live on the 2nd floor, take the stairs!

The elevator is not a phone booth, so no F-bombs please!

Keep your breakfast bouquet to yourself, and

At the other end, do not cut the cheese in a crowded elevator, or I will track you down like a rabid dog !

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Thursday, November 4, 2010

Remember, remember, the 5th of November

Guy Fawkes before King JamesImage via Wikipedia
Remember, remember, the 5th of November
The Gunpowder Treason and plot.
I know of no reason why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes belonged to a group of provincial English Catholics who planned the failed Gunpowder Plot of 1605. Born and educated in the city of York, Fawkes converted to Catholicism and sought support for a rebellion against the Protestant King James. He and fellow plotters rented a small room under the House of Lords, with Fawkes in charge of the gunpowder. But, prompted by an anonymous letter, the authorities searched Westminster Palace during the early hours of 5 November, and found Fawkes guarding the explosives. Tortured in the Tower of London, he admitted to the plot and his co-conspirators. Prior to his execution he jumped from the scaffold and fell to his death, thus avoiding the traditional punishment of being hung, drawn and quartered. Brits like to comment that Fawkes was the only man ever to enter Parliament with honest intentions.

Although there were twelve other disciples, Fawkes became synonymous with the Gunpowder Plot which has been commemorated in England since 5 November 1605. On this date Londoners were encouraged to celebrate the King's escape from assassination by lighting bonfires, "always provided that 'this testemonye of joy be careful done without any danger or disorder". How quaint. An Act of Parliament even designated November 5th as an annual day of thanksgiving for "the joyful day of deliverance", and remained in force until 1859. Who knew?

The 5th of November is variously called Guy Fawkes Night, Guy Fawkes Day and Bonfire Night. Bonfires were accompanied by fireworks from the 1650s onwards, and it became the custom to burn an effigy (usually the Pope) after 1673. Celebrations take place in towns and villages across the country in the form of both private and civic events. The festivities involve fireworks displays and the building of bonfires on which “guys” (the Guy in Guy Fawkes) are traditionally burnt. Other effigies have been used, such as local or national hate figures. Even Margaret Thatcher was popular at one time. In the weeks before bonfire night, children traditionally displayed the "guy" and requested a "penny for the guy" in order to raise funds with which to buy fireworks. This practice is seen less seen now as it smacks of begging, and also children are no longer allowed to buy fireworks. In addition there are concerns that children might misuse the money. Cries of surely not.

When starting autumn term at school, the only thing to look forward to in the run up to Christmas was half-term hols and Bonfire Night. There was also something called Mischief Night on November 4th, when young kids and or miscreants would go out in the streets setting off “bangers” (jumping jacks), tipping over garbage bins, knocking on folks’s doors and running off, and other such jolly japes. Unfortunately, as usually happens when gangs get together, dares became increasingly riskier, and potentially dangerous such as dropping burning fireworks into people’s front door letter-boxes.

Bonfire Night was a highly anticipated event, not least because my grandfather owned a firework factory. Talk about lucky! So our big treat was to go up to the factory warehouse, and stuff the biggest box we could find with our firework favorites; rockets, roman candles, snow blizzards, volcanoes, catherine wheels and traffic lights. Unfortunately our standing in the nabe wasn’t quite as heightened as it might otherwise be since further along the block, and literally yards from the Bonfire, lived the managing director of our home-town’s other fireworks manufacturer. Talk about bad luck! Still, our grandfather drove a Jaguar and he didn’t, so there!

Chumping, a hometown phrase, took place in the week before November 5th as we trawled through the local woods for bonfire fuel. There was probably some wood that was not quite so dead, but hey it was a good cause. On the night itself, at the bottom of the garden (yard) Dad would light the blue touch papers, bucket of water to hand in case of accidents and after setting off all the fireworks, lighting and waving our sparklers we’d head out to our local bonfire. But first, a couple of treats were in store. Bonfire Night was the only time we would have these; “jacket potatoes”, which were potatoes wrapped in aluminum foil and baked in the oven and, perhaps a slice of the wonderfully dense, sticky, gingery cake called Parkin. This is very much a local product, particularly around West Yorkshire my county of origin.

Around the bonfire, today we’d say that a nice community spirit existed. Everyone knew each other, the warmth of the fire burning our cheeks, the crackling of the burning wood, embers rising into the sky. Nothing to do with community spirit, this was just being nice and neighborly. Overnight it typically rained so the smell of gunpowder hung in the air the following morning.

Sadly those days are long gone. Modern Health and Safety rules, a triumph of state nannyism over common sense, effectively restrict such events unless properly supervised blah blah blah. But we were happy then, with life’s simple pleasures, in a way that today cannot compare. Oh dear, pass my pipe and slippers.

Enjoy the 5th of November!

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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Butchers, treats and meats

LONDON - FEBRUARY 11:  Meat hangs in a Brixton...Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Watching Iron Chef on the idiot box the other night, veal was the theme ingredient for the chefs to use in their succulent preparations. And they pretty much had to butcher half a carcass themselves, which they were able to do at phenomenal speed. These were real knife merchants. That got me thinking that butcher’s shops, real old-fashioned butcher’s shops, have gone the way of the dinosaurs. Today it’s plastic-wrapped, Styrofoam-trayed cuts of beef prepared by some pasty-faced youth behind the supermarket meat counter, perhaps with a white hat, pretending to be a butcher of olde. Not very convincing my friend.

Back in the day, growing up in England, we had our local butcher. Cyril his name was and my family and my mum’s family had patronized him for years. A small shop, on the main road, some pork-pies, sausage links hanging in the window, and yes there was even sawdust on the floor. Behind the counter was a huge butcher’s block for final trimming of the joints and there was always a slightly chilly feel from repeated opening of the meat-locker door.

He was a big ruddy-faced man, they always are of course. Who would trust a small butcher? Mind you, we were always a little timid going there; after all he’d got those big bloody knives. Literally! And a kindly man, dispensing his own brand of humor to his customers. Yes young lad, how’s your Mum and Dad, and how’s your Granddad, he was in here only this morning, looking right well he was. What’ll it be today then? A pork loin for six (with the kidney still attached if you please), and two pounds of liver? Certainly.

Now, here’s the thing, a butcher is very good at weighing meat; in his favor. Always but always he’ll say, it’s just a bit over, is that alright? It’s always over isn’t it, you feel like saying? I wanted to say, here’s my money it’s a little under, is that alright? No I never did. He has you by the prairie oysters and he’s got those really big knives!

I cannot end without quoting Bill Bryson’s line from his wonderful book Notes from a Small Island, written whilst touring around the United Kingdom. Seeing a sign for a Family Butcher, he wanted to go in and say “how much to do mine”. A great line Bill, a great line.

Passing by a newly opened store one morning, I saw that they had a dog-bowl just inside the door with some doggy biscuit treats. That’s odd I thought, thinking that perhaps the store had a pet dog. Surely it would be cheaper to install a burglar alarm. Passing the store later I realized that the treats were for customers dogs. You know, when the missus is shopping, it’s nice to be able to take a load off, have a snack and shoot the breeze with the gang. I was quite tempted to ask for some myself.

The other thing about modern-day butchering is that cheap cuts of meat are not so cheap anymore as chefs use them to keep their food costs down. Off-cuts such as short-ribs, oxtails, liver, lamb-necks and all the other offal bits are no longer given away. In Britain lamb neck was known as best end of lamb. Not quite sure why really, it certainly was one end, but surely not the best end.

Recalling my days in Barbados I had two dogs and used to buy the self-same lamb necks. In the local supermarket one Saturday morning putting a few trays in my cart, a neighbor saw me and asked if I was having a party. Why no I replied, these are for my dogs. No man he replied, you should make a stew with them “mek it snort” (as they say in Barbados). Well no actually, I heat them up with some rice, nothing fancy and feed them to my two dogs, they love it. Here in the US there’s nothing heartier than a slow braised stew of lamb neck, throw in some vegetables, lasts for days.

So now you know, in these hard times, my wife and I are eating dog food.

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Monday, November 1, 2010

Fictional repairs

The current TARDIS seen at BBC TV Centre and t...Image via Wikipedia
On the “you must be joking” theme, maintenance book publishers Haynes have launched an ambitious new tome for Star Trek fans; The U.S.S. Enterprise Owners’ Workshop Manual. Just in time for the Christmas rush I guess. The 160-page guide delves into the technical specification of the world’s most famous fictional spaceship, containing in-depth drawings and a step-by-step approach to stripping the ship down to its essentials and reassembling it. And don’t even think about doing it in the kitchen sink or bathroom. Mind you I think you’ll need more than a set of spanners to unbolt the impulse engine.

An invaluable tool to any aspiring Scotty, the book was written by Ben Robinson and Marcus Riley with the help of former NASA designer Michael Okuda, who worked on the Sci-Fi series for more than 20 years. Co-author Robinson said: “It's something I think people have wanted for a long time, a proper history that puts the Enterprises into context with one another and gives you the story of how they evolved, with each ship building on the last.”

Haynes started publishing motor vehicle manuals in 1965, and in recent years diversified into producing books on classic military aircraft, Wallace and Gromit contraptions and a manual on teenagers. Teenagers eh? Good luck in fixing them.

Apparently Haynes would neither confirm nor deny that they are now working on the TARDIS manual for Dr. Who, advising interested partys that you can buy a good Yale latch key at any hardware store. Also adding that the whole point of the TARDIS is that it doesn’t work well, sending the good Doctor all over the Universe on his travels. To infinity and beyond as Buzz Lightyear would say.

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