New York New Years Eve Ball Drop - Part 1

We are now on the last day of 2010 and only a few hours away from the end of the year and the great New York New Years Eve Ball Drop in Times Square.

Now, can someone please explain to me why anyone would spend hours, and we are talking hours here, milling around the Times Square area boxed in, deprived of back-packs or alcohol by the NYPD, just to be part of a crowd that will cheer the dropping of a ball down a flag-pole. And what if it’s freezing cold, why bother? But wait there’s more. It’s a Big Deal here, a huge event, televised presentations, whole TV shows made up to support the frenzy, along with an assortment of B or C lister celebs on hand. At least the A-listers have the common sense to stay away. 

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So how did it all start? A little history is in order. Formerly Longacre Square (after the Long Acre of London’s carriage-making district), it was renamed Times Square in 1904 at the request of the New York Times owner, Adolph Ochs, who published his newspaper from a building at the southern end of the square. The Square (which word really should be italicized since it isn’t a square at all) forms a bow-tie of roads intersecting at 42nd Street, Broadway and Seventh Avenue in Midtown Manhattan. The name Broadway is the English literal translation of the Dutch name “Breede weg.” Interestingly the actual orientation of Broadway is almost true north-south, unlike the city grid imposed by the City Commissioners in 1811 which generally lines the avenues with the orientation of the island of Manhattan, which itself about 20 degrees to the North East.

Broadway was originally the Wickquasgeck Trail, established in Manhattan by Native Americans. After the arrival of the Dutch, the trail became the main road through the island from Nieuw Amsterdam at the southern tip. You may recall that the island of Mannahatta (“land of many hills”), as it was then called, was sold to the Dutch Governor by the native Lenape tribe for the modern-day equivalent of $20. This sleight of hand served to establish Manhattan’s reputation for double dealing, ripping off the natives and fostered a tradition whose denizens clubbed together in Wall Street. Ultimately culminating in the crème de la crème, numero uno, and general all-round bounder, in the shape of Bernie “I Made off” with the money, and who is now serving a considerable life sentence at one of the Government’s full board hospitality centers, orange jumpsuits included.

Broadway became popular as the development of Lower Manhattan pushed homes, theaters, and prostitution north from the Tenderloin District. The first theater on the square was built by cigar manufacturer and occasional music impresario Oscar Hammerstein. By the early 1890s this previously unsettled stretch of Broadway was lit up with fledgling white electric light, hence the nickname it acquired as the “Great White Way”.

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New Year's Eve has been celebrated in Times Square since 1904, but the New Year’s Eve Ball’s maiden descent wasn’t until 1907. Made of wrought iron and wood, adorned with one hundred 25-watt light bulbs it was 5 feet in diameter and weighed 700 lbs. Except for the war years of 1942 and 1943 the Ball has been lowered every year since 1907. Subsequent balls have been lightened using iron, then aluminum, until Times Square 2000 when New Year's Eve Ball was completely redesigned by Waterford Crystal. According to the Official Website of Times Square the 2010 the Ball is a geodesic sphere, 12 feet in diameter, weighing 11, 875 lbs, and built to withstand the stresses of high winds, precipitation and temperature fluctuation to shine 400 feet above Times Square. There are 2,688 crystal triangles bolted to 672 Philips LED modules which are attached to the aluminum frame of the Ball.

Interestingly the actual notion of a ball "dropping" to signal the passage of time dates back long before New Year's Eve was ever celebrated in Times Square. The first "time-ball" was installed above England's Royal Observatory at Greenwich in 1833. This ball would drop at one o'clock every afternoon, allowing the captains of nearby ships to set their chronometers.

So there you have it, not just a load of old balls!

Related articles

• Times Square Official New Year's Eve Ball App - 2011 - Countdown Entertainment (itunes.apple.com)
• Securing New Year's Eve in Times Square (msnbc.msn.com)

Cosmo attacks Mongol hordes

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For the expansively-named, one-track minded ladies self-help instruction manual, Cosmopolitan, no country is safe as it seeks to boldly go where others fear to tread, or even eke out a living. It was recently announced that the magazine will soon issue a Mongolian edition; as in Mongolia, Asia. One wonders about the viability of the readership base.

Mongolia is a landlocked country bordered by Russia and China, Ulaanbaatar being the capital. The Mongol Empire was founded by Genghis Khan in 1206 but struggled until 1921 to establish independence from China. In 1924, the Mongolian People's Republic was declared, and Mongolian politics suffered under the heavy hand of their soviet neighbors. Call it what you may, but it probably wasn’t a republic and definitely not the peoples. A democratic revolution occurred in 1990 which led the country’s transition to a market economy.

Mongolia is the 19th largest and the most sparsely populated independent country in the world, with a population of around 2.9 million people. It is also the world's second-largest landlocked country after Kazakhstan. The country contains very little arable land, as much of its area is covered by steppes, with mountains to the north and west and the Gobi Desert to the south. About 20% of the population lives on less than US$1.25 per day. Yup, that’s all. Mongolia has become more urbanized with about 40% of the population living in the capital, where the males are known as Maaster Baatars. Back in 2002, about 30% of all households scraped a living from livestock breeding, with animal herders following a pattern of nomadic or semi-nomadic pastoralism.

One of Mongolia’s main festivals is Naadam, which consists of the Mongolian traditional manly manly sports of archery and long distance horse-racing over open country, usually culminating in the capture of neighboring peoples. In addition, the khoomei, or throat singing, style of music is popular in parts of Western Mongolia. This is similar but not to be confused with throat clearing and gobbing on the sidewalk.

Now let’s think a bit about this. Cosmo guarantees advertisers a minimum circulation base of about 3 million. Given the US population of 310 million, half are female resulting in a 2% readership. The Mongolian folks total 3 million, so using the same math with half being female one could argue that 60,000 people will buy it. Given that 30% practice a nomadic lifestyle, and may not get to the local magazine store, we’ll assume that it’s the capital dwellers (40%) that are the only ones likely to buy the magazine; we’ve now reduced the potential market to 24,000. Now some of these are really too young or old to be interested so we’ll exclude the 32% who are under 14 and over 65, then reduce for the half that won’t buy it, And what have we got, a likely circulation of 8,000. Well, good luck with that Mr. Hearst.

Anyway the first issue will include the following articles, guaranteed to titillate and put a smile on even the more repressed yak herder:

• How to drink yaks milk without gagging

• Four ways to get your man (there should be ten I know, but have you seen the women?)

• Three ways to dress for your man (there should be five but there’s only so much you can do with tents)

• Top ten techniques to spice up your love-life – best tip, turn off the light

Related articles

• Batmunh Gomboo : Mongolia (kiva.org)

Snow a big deal - even in New York

Swirling snow blanketed all of New York this weekend, finally brightening up mid-morning yesterday. In the middle of the slowest week in the year, it at least gave the press something to hang their hat on. Much was made of the severity of the snowstorm, some calling it a blizzard, but certainly a lot of snow was dumped in all five boroughs with almost 20 inches recorded in Central park. Drifts of three to four feet were not uncommon, as high winds persisted for almost 24 hours. Sunday evening also brought the odd specter of thunder and lightning, a sure sign apparently of strong storm conditions.



Looking North up 3rd Avenue

 Initial snow-plow action late Sunday eventually gave in and waited it out, not returning until Monday afternoon. Even busy Third Avenue had to wait, with only a single file of able to move. Returning from a milk run I was able to walk home four blocks in the middle of Third Avenue, what a treat.

It is quite staggering the muffling effect of snow. With side-streets largely blocked by drifting snow, there was no real traffic. One Range Rover was even abandoned in front of our building (tee hee!), trucks skidded wildly. But overall there was a golden silence, no honking fire-trucks, ambulances or wailing police cars to disturb the peace. New York, the “city that never sleeps”, actually fell silent. Magical.

Looking East along 71st Street

Related articles

• New Yorkers upset about unplowed streets (msnbc.msn.com)
• Snow Keeps New York at Standstill (online.wsj.com)

Airplane Health and Safety or, bugs on the plane

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Travel reporter Douglas Wright recently wrote for CNN that aircraft passenger cabins are not quite the paragons of purity and of cleanliness we want to believe. In fact they’re downright dirty, from a public health standpoint. Never mind snakes on a plane, passenger aircraft are grubby germinators of petri-dish proportions.

In summary and in case you don’t want to know too much because the devil is in the details, he notes the following:

• Don't wash your hands after using the airplane bathroom, use the sanitizer instead

• Be very wary of air-craft water

• Buy bottled water for onboard refreshment and don't use ice cubes in your drink, and

• To avoid catching the cold or flu, don't stash things in the seat pocket

There are two general problems; airplanes are not cleaned on a sufficiently thorough and frequent basis; and, the other reality which is all too common these days, planes fly full. So here we go, chocks away, as we accelerate through the airspace and learn about aeronautical atrocities.

Germ Zone # 1 – Water, good old ‘aitch too oh

Water can harbor E. coli, a common culprit behind stomach cramps.

Apparently airplane water has been under review by the EPA for traces of E. coli for six years. This sounds a little murky to me. In 2004 a random sampling of 327 domestic and international aircraft caused a stir when some water samples tested positive for E. coli, one strain of which is the leading cause of food poisoning in the US. Coffee and tea are brewed on board with such water and don't typically reach hot enough temperatures to kill E. coli. When bottled water runs out, some planes have been known to fill fliers' glasses from the tank. One British Airways crew member confessed that, in those cases, the crew first has to wait for any cloudy "floating stuff" to settle out. Whuh, excuse me, what did you just say, cloudy “floating stuff”? Anything cloudy and floating is supposed to be outside of the plane, and it’s white and fluffy. Having lived in the Caribbean for 15 years, if you can’t see your toes in the water, you don’t go in the sea. I think the same applies here.

Also onboard tanks are small so planes sometimes refill at foreign airports, with dodgy water standards (Delhi belly anyone?). But encouragingly, water quality and control are improving. From 2005 to 2008, only 3.6 percent of samples tested positive for coli-form bacteria, of which only a small fraction tested positive for E. coli. And in October 2011, the EPA's Aircraft Drinking Water Rule, with more standardized, stringent disinfection and inspection regulations, will go into effect.

Tip: Buy bottled water to bring on board. If you must, only order, sodas, juices and other prepackaged liquids, hold the ice, from the trolley dolly. Whilst ice cubes are usually supplied by an outside supplier, some large planes may have their own ice-making capability which is, you’ve guessed, supplied by the plane’s internal tank water.

Germ Zone #2 - Seat pocket in front of you

The home of Cold and Influenza A, B, and C viruses. Still pleased to be flying?

According to research, reaching into that front pocket is like rummaging around in a stranger’s purse, with its detritus of used tissues and whatever. Toenail clippings and old French fries have been found in seat pockets. Cold and ‘flu viruses can survive for hours on fabric and tissues, and even longer (up to 48 hours) on nonporous surfaces like plastic and metal. That glossy flight magazine may be a carrier, and after wiping your nose perhaps, casually flicking through the pages, perhaps licking your fingers as you go, you have possibly left a nice little unwanted guest for the next passenger, and nobody knows. Ick.

Solution: Store your in-flight goodies in a small carry-on bag to avoid seat-pocket scuz.

Germ Zone # 3- The ubiquitous tray table

Home of MRSA, the Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus (MRSA). Can be fatal when contracted, it kills an estimated 20,000 Americans annually. Ouch!

Flight attendants have seen it all on the tray table, from parents changing dirty diapers to boogers underneath. In 2007, University of Arizona researcher Jonathan Sexton tested tray tables from three major airliners, and an alarming 60 percent tested positive for the superbug. That's quite a revelation compared to the 11 percent of similar such testing performed on the New York subway.

Tip: Use disinfectant wipes to clean the tray table before and after use, and never eat directly off the surface. Lysol disinfecting wipes is a suggested option. Also, protect any cuts with Band-Aids (sticking-plaster in the UK), since the most common way of contracting an MRSA infection is through open skin. Ugh.

Germ Zone # 4 – Airline food

A potential source of Listeria, a microbe known to cause gastrointestinal illness and meningitis.

Ah yes, airlines meals have long been the butt of jokes and a bad reputation for consisting of bland, barely identifiable dishes. In 2009, the airline toy meals made headlines when FDA inspections of the world’s largest airplane caterer, LSG Sky Chefs, found the kitchens crawling with roaches and employees handling the food with bare hands or unwashed gloves. Test samples also found traces of LiSteria monocytoGenes, which can cause gastrointestinal illness and meningitis, as well as cervical infection in pregnant women. The likelihood of contracting illness from the microbe is very low, though it should be noted that one fifth of the 2,500 annual cases are fatal. LSG Sky Chefs, to its credit, passed the FDA's follow-up inspection in January 2010.

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Solution: If you're concerned, eat beforehand and bring your own snacks onto the plane. But please no curries and no pizza, unless you’re prepared to share.

Germ Zone # 5 - Airplane Pillow and Blankets

Now, this is a big surprise folks. Those soft fluffy furnishings can cause pneumonia and infections.

A 2007 investigation by The Wall Street Journal revealed that airlines cleaned their blankets every five to 30 days. Don’t forget though, in a period of six days that could easily be two to three domestic flights, and amount to 12 to 18 passengers all dribbling and drooling over the blanket. Why do you think they use dark colors. So, a plastic wrapped blanket means just that. It’s a blanket wrapped in plastic. Who said it had to be clean? In 2000 the Union of Needle-trades, Industrial, and Textile Employees (workers of the world UNITE!) accused a major supplier of repackaging pillows and blankets without cleaning them properly. Phew, what’s that smell? No, we’re not in New Jersey no more Toto.

Since then, some airlines such as Southwest and Alaska Airlines have removed pillows and blankets completely, while JetBlue, US Airways and American now charge for them. Ah, that’s rich; do they come with a guarantee of freshness or your money back?

Tip: it’s not the biggest bug-bear on the plane, as there have been no documented reports linking airlines to these infections. But you should consider bringing your own thermal protection such as a travel pillow and compact blanket. And perhaps dare I say it, that other butt of jokes, a Snuggie! But, who wants to walk around the plane like a monk wearing a technicolor dreamcoat?

Germ Zone #6 - Airplane Lavatory

Here we are, we’ve finally arrived at the ultimate all-you-can-eat open buffet of bacteria such as E. coli or fecal bacteria. Shall I go on?

First problem, that door handle, did you wash your hands thoroughly? If you didn’t...why should anyone else? Second problem, remember that cloudy tank water described above? The sink water comes from the same source. Let’s hope that Maintenance never reverses that flow. Mind you, the coffee might taste better. And lastly that somehow reassuring hydraulic suction of the thunder-box, doesn't exactly help the situation, as it can spray water and release potential germs into the air. In fact, the CDC (Center for Disease Control, in Atlanta) cited the aircraft lavatory as a major danger area for the spread of disease during the H1N1 flu and SARS epidemics. Who knew?

Tip: Use a paper towel to close the toilet lid before flushing, skip the sink and reach for hand sanitizer.

The next time I see you on an aircraft you’ll recognize me. I’ll be the one dressed in a suit...a Hazmat suit. So you’ll excuse me if we don’t shake hands or bump elbows.

What about the recycled air you ask? I think we’ll save that for another day, you need time to digest the above!

Related articles

• Avoiding Germs on an Airplane (everydayhealth.com)

Druids and Druidry

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The Charity Commission, an august body in charge of regulating publicly registered English and Welsh charities, recently announced that The Druid Network which acts as a framework for the global community of the Druid tradition would be classed as a religious charitable organization. The Commission added that Druidry (what a word, a cross between deadly and ruin perhaps?) is flourishing more than at any time since the arrival of Christianity to Britain.

Commission has accepted that druids' worship of spirits arising from the natural world could be seen as a religious activity (my italics). We should also note that The Commission’s Vision, along with its Mission, and Values and all the other rubbish-speak that institutions are supposed to care about, is “Charity working at the heart of society for public benefit” Ergo, as we like to say, granting The Druid Network it’s charitable status means it must be for the public benefit. Well, that’s interesting. I hardly think they’re working at the”heart of society” but “for public benefit” now that I could agree with. We need a laugh sometimes, and the sight of Druids on TV is definitely in the public interest. I’ve always thought there’s something just a little off about grown adults dressing up in smocks and beards. And that’s just the women. Along with the pseudo mumbo-jumbo chanting, or whatever, they dream up for the cameras. Still they could also be Morris Dancers with their handkerchiefs, bells and whistles, and for that we should be truly thankful.

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So there’ll be a brisk trade in white sheets and mistletoe at Ye Olde Druid Shoppe, perhaps a few crosses as it is now a religion. It won’t be long before one smart chap will say why not burn the crosses to keep warm, you know, on people’s front lawns and then where will we be?

Interestingly the Charity Commission web-site says that the Commission expects to take 40 days to review and approve a new Charity. Really, so why did it take four years for the Druid Network to attain approval. I suspect they couldn’t stop laughing long enough to take it seriously. Apparently after their mammoth and exhaustive four-year inquiry, the Commission decided that Druidry offered coherent practices for the worship of a supreme being, and provided a beneficial moral framework. According to Arthur Pendragon (Celtic and Cornish with just a hint of the Round Table), self-titled Battle Chieftain of the Council of British Druid orders (I know, you really couldn’t make this up) “We are looking at the indigenous religion of these isles - it's not a new religion but one of the oldest”. What a tosser. A senior spokes-druid said “…Druidry will have the status of a genuine faith.” Well, not quite, more like genuine status of a faith. Said spokes-druid also told the BBC News website that the organization had had to "jump through hoops" to meet the Commission's requirements. With or without your white smock, I wonder?

Mr. Pendragon, of Stonehenge (don’t you just love formality in reporting, and what an address!), also said he would not be seeking charitable status for his own order - the Loyal Arthurian Warband, as it was a political wing and therefore had no need to be recognized as a charity. A Druid political wing, for what, tax breaks on white sheets?

I’ve always been a skeptic when it comes to Druidry. There’s something not quite right, with its dubious origins. Oh sure, it’s an excuse for saving the whale, eco-warrior, granola chomping, Birkenstock wearing, tree hugging, bearded lecturers, ban the bombers, New Ager types and the like (did I miss anyone?) to get in touch with their Earth Mother or whatever, but it’s largely a reinvention of a supposed peoples. There’s not one record of any artifact that could be associated with Druids, nor the practice of any form of religion, not even pagan ceremonies. We have these people in New York you know; we call them Upper West Siders. You may have seen them in the coffee shops, eating their tofu surprise (tofu is always a surprise), wheat-germ salad, fat-free nut cutlets and tofu burgers, or whatever. Which reminds me, do you know the best way to cook tofu? Fuhhgeddaboutit, there isn’t one.

So who are these self-proclaimed keepers of the faith, preservers of the ancient rituals, and devoted guardians of stone henges? According to some, they congregate in circles, having no head (anyone else thinking of chickens?), nor a beginning or end. The circle mirrors the turning of the wheel, and the cycle of the seasons that is held in such reverence by the Pagan community. Oh dear, pause for nausea. It gets worse, because there are three types of Druids.

The Bardic grade, which deals predominantly with teaching, poetic, artistic, and academic skills. Academic skills, they must be joking, it’s all made up. The Vate or Ovate (more like oy vey) grade that deals predominantly with the Intuitive and Magical skills. This presumably advances the cause of Merlin, England’s greatest fictitious practitioner of the magic arts. Have to be careful with this one, encroaching as it is on all-hallowed Potter territory. And lastly, the Druid grade that deals with Public Ritual and Judgments; with helpful hints on how best to iron and store your white dress sheet. Perhaps this grade should also include lessons on how to avoid the inevitable amount of public ridicule that accompanies Druidry. The only options being to develop a thick skin or feign convenient deafness.

According to the Spiritual New Age Wisdom Article Directory “…this image of the Druid in white is little more than two hundred years old, created during a period of revived interest in the tradition when one picture from the classical literature of two millennia ago was chosen from many: Pliny's image of the Druid cutting mistletoe from the sacred oak.” and “These ideas are really projections of ourselves onto the fog-screen of history and an archetypal reflection back to us of what we would like, or need, to be true. No doubt it fits our modern, urban, need for romance and escapism to imagine our ancestors as poetic warriors, living wild and free in great sacred forests, in idyllic communion with the whole of nature.” Quite so.

In 1927 T.D. Kendrick dispelled the pseudo-historical aura that had accrued to druids, asserting that "a prodigious amount of rubbish has been written about druidism". Well said, now we’re getting somewhere. The British Museum is also blunt “Modern Druids have no direct connection to the Druids of the Iron Age. Many of our popular ideas about the Druids are based on the misunderstandings and misconceptions of scholars 200 years ago. These ideas have been superseded by later study and discoveries.” In other words, it is absolute tosh, dreamt up to preserve a romantic vision of our ancestors.

So, quite clearly, the only point of Neo-Druidry is for the modern-day Pagan to get their 15 minutes of fame by performing “Here Comes the Sun” solstice rituals at Stonehenge.

A little humor to end with (from Paganlibrary.com):


What's the best thing about a Pagan friend……………….They worship the ground you walk on

What do you call 13 Witches in a hot tub………………………..A self-cleaning coven

Ankh if you love Isis…

And completely irrelevant, or even irreverent:

Food giant Kraft has moved their macaroni plants to Israel……..their products will now be retailed as Cheeses of Nazareth.

Related articles

• Back to the Woods: The Druids are Back (biblicalpaths.wordpress.com)
• Hundreds expected at Stonehenge for Winter Solstice (independent.co.uk)
• History of Mistletoe (brighthub.com)

Firemen and pay to play

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It was recently reported that New York Bravest (Fire Department) may institute a scale of charges for turning out to car fires or any other accident involving injuries. Apparently the Department plans to charge $490 to respond to a vehicle fire or any other incident with injuries; vehicle fires without injuries will run to $415; and $365 to turn-out to a scene with no fire or injuries. This is a harsh way of dealing with budget woes; especially as we have paid already through our taxes. Which obviously only provide an incentive for fire crews to turn up to the station. Actual fire-fighting is extra; nice to know. Clearly the rules are-a-changing and upon further investigation, the following details emerged.

• Small fire – you shout “Fire” and we’ll shout “Water” and tell you what to do.

• Apartment fire – we’ll send two firemen, provided they’ve finished their dinner, and you provide the buckets and water.

• House fire - engine and ladder rentals available, with a volume discount for using a lot of water

• Ringing bells and air-horns are extra

It should also be noted that very little will be allowed to get in the way of the fireman’s most important duties which include:

• Waving their big hoses at the ladies, and polishing their helmets in full view of passers-by,

• Committing random acts of hazardous parking,

• Brushing up their gourmet cooking skills, and fine-tuning their five alarm chili, and

• Washing their red shiny trucks for faster pizza delivery runs.


Talking of fire engines, a Redneck came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

Related articles

• Drivers Face Fees for Rescues (online.wsj.com)

Frog talk

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Did you know that some frogs talk with ultra-sound? In ultrasound, the pitch or frequency of the sound is too high for the human ear to hear. Fish and homing pigeons can see electromagnetic fields, ants can see polarised light, insects and rodents can smell pheromones, so why can't some frogs, somewhere on the planet, hear ultrasound?

According to ABC Science News recently they can, if they are the concave-eared torrent frog that lives in the Huangshan Hot Springs, west of Shanghai, in China. There, a continuous torrent of water and sound fills the mountainous environment of the concave-eared torrent frog. Let’s hope that the frogs are actually alive in the Hot Springs. After all, we’ve all heard the fable about frogs and boiling water.

Anyhoo it was recently discovered that these frogs can generate and hear sounds that are way up in the ultrasonic. They can generate and hear frequencies over 128 kHz. That's more than six-times better than a human can hear.

So next time you want to get your message across in the “mountainous environment of the concave-eared torrent frog” just pick one up and use him as a................................froghorn.

And, apparently, there is a Frog magazine in Dutch. On a recent edition, readers were commenting on the quality of the photographs therein. Presumably frogs-porn?

It’s the way I am them telling.

Restaurants and Service

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I don’t know about you, but the average Englishman is not one to complain about poor service. Not the done thing you see old chap. Mum’s the word. Oh sure, afterwards in private but not directly to the service provider. We’re accustomed to second best, so why make a fuss. But when it comes to restaurant food, if it’s not served the way I ordered, it’s going back. This is actually quite difficult for us Brits to get used to. After all, you’re often with friends and then have to sit in silence whilst chef decides how he’s going to gob in your soup, or accidently drop your steak. And then you’re out of sync with the rest of the table. So why make a fuss? The answer my friend is, because you can and you’re paying. This is America, food is cheap, and service is the key word in almost all types of restaurant. No problem sir, I’ll be right back. American’s do love a Sir in their speech don’t they? Some people I know will even send back eggs if they’re not quite right. Puleese, just eat them already.

Talking of eggs, going out to brunch is a little tricky as you have to pick the restaurant carefully. You need to select a place that has a full brunch menu, not one that’s just decided to offer a few brunch selections in addition to their regular lunch items. You see, chef is probably knackered from a hard week, culminating in the Friday and Saturday evenings when they get absolutely slammed, as they call it. So he probably finished late, had a few drinks with other exhausted chefs, and popped off to bed. And trust me here; this is not the chef who will be cooking brunch the next day. So trial and error will lead to your best local brunch spot.

We have two local restaurants we patronize regularly, one of which is our local French bistro, all snails, frog’s legs, and steaks, while the other is Italian. Their brunches are not great. So we found another French place that of all things, on a Sunday, serves a prix-fix Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding lunch. We have been a few times and it is absolutely excellent. Until, the last time we went only to discover that the Yorkies had disappeared off the menu. What, what did you say? I mean, come on, how you can have roast beef, roast potatoes, green beans, dollops of mustard, horseradish sauce and no Yorkies is beyond me. Must be cost-cutting I suppose, but really, Yorkies are flour, milk and water, the least expensive components available to a chef. Perhaps they’re trying to get back at us somehow, revenge for Agincourt.

In New York, there is a pretty good standard of wait staff on display, often aspiring actors and actresses. You know the type; pretty face and a little black dress. And that’s just the men! This reminds me of a joke about actors being introduced to each other, Oh so you’re an actor? Yes, I am. So am I, which restaurant?

One more thing about eating out. Next time the staff introduce themselves, with a perky “hi, how are you all doing tonight, I’m Bobby and I’ll be serving you” just take a pause and respond “well hello there, I’m John, this is my wife Nancy”, and then introduce all the rest of the table. They’ll love it. And don’t forget the other favorite, after the exhaustive list of specials has been trotted out: “I’m sorry, but what was the second one again?” It’s beyond me what makes a long list of items (a menu so to speak) special, makes you wonder about the rest of the menu. But we all know that when something is slow-moving chef makes it a “special”. Do you notice how the staff always try and personalize the experience with their phrasing, such as “tonight I have a pan-fried sea bass with…” Really, does this mean that Jim, serving those other guests, doesn’t have these specials, they are yours and yours only? Can we get him over here and ask what he’s got. Must be hell in the kitchen.

Anyway, I digress. When I first arrived in New York my wife and I used to have “the conversation”. How’s your steak, is it alright? It’s good. Are you sure, it looks overdone. No it’s not. Yes it is, that’s well done not medium-rare. It’s fine. Meaning I’m OK with it and get on eating. Mustn’t complain, it’s still a steak after all. No, she says, call the waiter and send it back. Now it’s not that easy to feel comfortable doing this, but now I’m used to it. You see, it’s the service element that is so different in America. It’s seen as service, not servitude. You’re not doing them a favor; they’re there to help you. Besides they want at least a 15% tip.

Related articles

• 25 things chefs don't tell you (chefhermansfood.com)

New York taxi redesign

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Finally, New York’s Taxi and Limousine Commission (TLC, not to be confused with the other acronym, a complete oxymoron when paired with New York taxi’s), as regulator of all things taxi and limo related, has published a shortlist of three new yellow-cab designs. Aiming to standardize the current mish-mash of permitted vehicle choices, many of which are not appreciated by regular Yellow Line users, they solicited proposals from leading motor vehicle manufacturers. A move also prompted by Ford’s decision to cease production of its venerable Crown Victoria sedan, the last of the big American rear-wheel drive sedans known for durability and endurance.

But first, a quick recap. November 2001 was a good month for riders of the “Yellow Line” (the rich man’s subway as we like to call it), as the TLC and Ford together announced “stretched” version of the Crown Vic, adding seven inches to the size of the chassis; six to the passenger and one for the driver (a nice “extension”, if ever there was one!). Four years later in 2005, the TLC decided that New Yorkers had had too much of a good thing so, despite initial concerns over reduced legroom in hybrid-electric vehicles, they approved the inclusion of all commercially-available hybrid models in the list of permitted vehicles. One-step forward, two steps back. Thanks.

Ralph Gardner, Jr. commenting in the Wall Street Journal recently said that riding in some of the current crop of taxis is comparable to being nailed into a coffin! Too right Ralphy. And let’s not forget the added piquancy, lingering on the nose, from the thousands of previous occupants and the cabbies lunch. The worst example being VW’s Jetta; rear seat leg room is awful and that’s before they install the safety barrier.

The three successful designs are from Ford, Nissan, and a Turkish company. Government Motors (GM) didn’t make the cut, no surprise there as they never listened to customers before so why start now. GM is basically an HMO (health plan) on wheels.

According to nyc.gov the winning proposal will be announced in early 2011 and the new vehicle will be on the road no later than the fall of 2014. Total fleet turnover will be gradual as older vehicles retire - New York City taxicabs are typically retired after three to five years of service. The City has 13,237 licensed taxicabs, including the world's largest fleet of fuel efficient taxicabs, with 3,983 hybrid, 5 Compressed Natural Gas, and 17 clean diesel taxi cabs. Today's taxi fleet is comprised of 16 different vehicles, supported by nine manufacturers. Which is ridiculous of course, fewer economic benefits result from such diversity.

The TLC Commish is asking New Yorkers to vote for features that are considered desirable, and has set up a web-site (at nyc.gov) where users can answer a simple set of questions and submit their responses. Obvious attractions like glass roofs for skyscraper gawking (for the tourists), chargers for cell phone users (fore those downtown Masters of the Universe), and improved handicap access are all well intentioned I’m sure, but I wonder if the simple things haven’t been overlooked. So, thinking with a New York state of mind, here are my top ten suggestions for the next generation of the Big Apple’s yellow cabs:

Room for four in the back – to avoid sitting on the cabbies lunch and other rubbish that accumulates

Odor-free zone - no nasty, pine-scented mirror danglers

Odor-free “munch and go drivers” - we’re not supposed to eat ‘n drink in cabs so, unless you fancy passing me a plate and a soda, nor should you!

Coffee and bagels, at least on Fridays

Perhaps a shoe-shine Johnny for that high-gloss look on your wing-tips (brogue shoes in England)

Driver’s mute switch – I’m just not into you, your problems, or your ceaseless cell phone chatter

Air-conditioning that really works – how difficult is this in the 21st century, please!

Receipts that don’t take all day to print out – I’m important and have places to go, people to see

No heavy sliding doors, and easier ingress/egress with no high step-up entryways. Especially difficult with skirts on, and that’s just the men!

Better ergonomics for handing over cash that don’t require Houdini-like contortions. I’m looking at you Mr. Ford Hybrid! Going Hybrid is certainly commendable, but that’s what you feel like after falling out of the Ford; a bit like being trapped in the washing machine on spin cycle and a new born Bambi, battered, bloodied and legless.

And, since ‘tis the Season, Peace on Earth

Disappointingly, none of the three designs are particularly striking; utilitarian being the key word and perhaps that’s inevitable. Surely the key thing is to come up with a truly iconic design, something that will set the New York taxi experience apart from other cities, rather than reworking an existing vehicle. They all tout space, but tell me this; how can the London black cabs, vehicles which are actually shorter than the outgoing Ford Crown Vic, have so much space. No-one complains about lack of space in those cabs; chatty cockney drivers yes, expensive fares yes, feeling of being taken for a ride, yes, but not the lack of space.

My money is on the Turkish concept; the only one without sliding doors. It can’t win of course, not American, potential supply problems and, as we all know, Turkish Delight and baklava stick to everything.

Related articles

• City Hall unveils 3 finalists to be next NYC taxi (msnbc.msn.com)
• A futuristic taxi with global ambitions (cnn.com)

Doting parents and selfish kids

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Don’t get me started on babies and their rides. You must have seen them, even before they leave the elevator, out comes the cell-phone; the parents that is. What do they find to talk about when they’ve just left home? What’s so damned important all of a sudden? Then you realize they are coordinating the assembly point. You turn the corner and all of a sudden there’s a wave of them barreling down the sidewalk. Now don’t call me mean but please ladies, have a heart, New York side-walks may be wide but they really cannot accommodate even two side-by-side comfortably, never mind three. So please Indian file only, thank you.

Also have you noticed the latest trend in these little princess carriages. It’s the tandem version, whereby the youngest gets to sit behind and slightly below the front loader, not much of a view. Now, that’s all fine and dandy if you’re very young and not even awake. But you can’t help wondering lying in the back there about your sibling up-front in the pilot seat. Has he been taking care of business or not? Will he wait until we get inside or won’t he. That’s right whatever you do big fella up front, don’t cut the cheese!

The baby carriages of today have come a long way since I was a nipper. I especially like the MACLAREN, the similarly named Formula 1 motor racing team and sports car manufacturer, but hey we can pretend right? Listen to young kids comparing notes at the park; which one are you in, oh the MACLAREN, what’s it like? It’s awesome dude, it’s got a five point harness, foot-operated brakes, high performance aluminium (it’s an English company), and adjustable seats. This is the “Quest Sport – the lightweight sporty solution for mums.” Everything is a solution these days, have you noticed? But what’s the problem. “What’s it all about?” as Alfie would say.

And they are so big aren’t they? And have you seen how much stuff they take along with them? You will come back alive; you’re going out for a walk, not an expedition to the South Pole. I swear some of the kids are way (or is it weigh) too big to be sittin’ and chillin’ in these baby-buggies. Some of these kids should be walking already! Mom should get the burgeoning butterball out of the sidewalk stroller before they get a hernia pushing them around. Exercise, it’s a good thing.

If you’re going to go into the supermarkets, consider leaving the kids outside, perhaps tied up to the lamp-post, or something, along with the old ladies and their dogs. Unlike suburban big-box stores New York food emporia are not known for their spacious aisles. I’ve lost count of the number of parents or nannies, and there are plenty of those on the Upper East Side, who charge in with these space-hogging behemoths. I once saw a double-wide one of these monsters. A double-wide, have they no shame?

Then there’s the restaurant scene. What is it about little Jonny that he has to be imposed on the eating public after a reasonable hour, like 7.00pm at night. Feed him at home for goodness sakes. Do you really think that a restaurant is a suitable place for a 1-2 year old? Really, you do? How strange. They futz around when they come in, banging into chairs, tables, there’s baby sh...I mean kit everywhere, and it takes forever and a day to settle in. After the obligatory look-at-me cooing over the latest precious, they walk up and down trying to put him to sleep. Why bother? Are we supposed to go gaga just because he’s yours? I don’t think so. He’s not special at all to the rest of us so sit the hell down, and shut up.

And aren’t today’s young people, and indeed their parents, quite self-centered. It is incredible to me to see the nerve with which young kids race into or dash out of elevators, without proper regard for good manners and their elders. No broughtupsy, as we say. And here’s the thing, their parents don’t even bother to reproach them. I tell you, as I alight from the elevator car (what a vision that conjures up) I’m often tempted to give some of them a quick slap upside the head with a rolled up newspaper, or treat them to a gentle nudge in the ribs, or even a well-placed leg. Worse, are those young parents who think that we are all just as interested in little Ashley, outfitted in his Ralph Lauren mini-me Dad’s preppy wear. Look at me; I look like a young dick version of my Dad. Got that right pal.

As the elevator door opens, come along they say, come along, as the little rug-rat races around the lobby, on his scooter. Now, they say, I mean NOW. Meanwhile yours truly and others patiently wait, rolling our eyes, as they hold open the door. The little tykes then bless us with their presence and the parents turn and smile wanly at us, as if to say, aren’t they just adorable. No they bloody well are not, and thanks for nothing. I mean, if you can’t teach them to behave at that age, they will grow up with that in-built, or is it in-bred, sense of entitlement which is very prevalent these days in certain young folk.

Here ends the First Lesson.

Related articles

• A Short History Of Prams, Learn About All About Carrying Babies From 1733 To 2010 (jaysdad.com)
• Stroller Love (momblognetwork.com)
• Where to wait for an elevator (johndcook.com)

Early Christmas for an Investment Bankster?

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Driving through the Hamptons last week ,on our way to a family Memorial Service, we spied a large covered van out of the rear of which a brand spanking new Bentley was being gently disgorged. Presumably an early Christmas present, with the expectant father on hand, nervously watching the proceedings. In fact he appeared to be dancing with joy. Either that or, because it was so beastly cold in the squillionaires playground, he was dying to go inside for a pee.

And this, coming just days after the announcement of a slight uptick in the unemployment rate, and the news that over two million people are now coming to the end of their unemployment benefits, just in time for Christmas. Makes you think Scrooge had a point. Anyway, if it’s “her” gift, let’s hope he has plenty of red-ribbon. If she doesn’t like it he’s just purchased the world’s most expensive noose.

Out of curiosity I took a spin around the Bentley Motors web-site. As expected, it ladles on the idea of craftsmanship, and the generations of experience lovingly hand-made into each car, sorry motor car, which can take up to two months to build. For example; “There’s something about walnut that captures the imagination of many Bentley customers. Perhaps it’s that dense, tight grain and rich depth of color. For many, it’s the stunning ‘mirror matching’ finish that appears after our craftspeople have spent weeks treating the veneer leaves and then applying them to a car’s interior. Whatever the wood preference, our customers can rest assured of two things: first, we scour the world to find the very finest renewable materials; secondly, we spend weeks preparing and applying them in just the right manner.” And “With more wood than ever before and requiring 17 of the highest quality leather hides in each car, the (Bentley) Mulsanne is designed to offer a level of comfort never seen before. Premium materials, sourced from all over the world, must meet exacting levels of quality and be produced in a sustainable and ethical way.”

Notice anything? It’s all highlighted in that last sentence. Their raw material buyers circle the globe for premium materials. So they're all for sustainability this and ethically that...but bugger the carbon footprint then?

Question for the Chairman at the next shareholder’s Annual General Meeting “Do your sustainably and ethically produced Green efforts offset the carbon emissions produced by flying around the world? And if not, how do you sleep at night?”

Sir can even select external paint colors from their “Visualizer”, and also for the upholstery which is, probably, as tightly stitched as his wife’s face! And finally, one can also contact one of their dealers who are “highly committed”. Yes, no doubt committed to relieving Sir of as much money as possible.

Related articles

• Bentley Mulsanne offers big car for big bucks (abclocal.go.com)

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