New York transit triple talk

Taking the subway twice recently produced two coincidences. At a time unusual for me and therefore seemingly random, I spied a friend getting on the subway car. Sneaking in behind him, I waited for the subway doors to close and said, quickly “you’re late”. My friend turned around and said, quite indignantly at the apparent rudeness of a complete stranger “excuse me?” then realized who it was.  Simple pleasures I know, but it amused me.

The same day, returning the other way, having switched carriages because of a heating problem, I spied another friend and sidled up to him and made some obnoxious comment to get a response. He was on an errand on the Number 6 train that he doesn’t usually frequent.  So, in the big metrolops of New York, I managed the seemingly unlikely feat of bumping into two friends (one of whom doesn’t even live in the same borough) in completely random circumstances, in one day. It’s a small world n’est-ce pas?  

The New York subway has PA systems that are a joke with too much empty space in the subway stations, high ceilings, and lousy delivery systems, and incomprehensible conductor announcements. One of my favorites;”We are being momentarily held by the train’s dispatcher because of train traffic ahead”. Well I hope so. Not much point in running subway system without other trains in the system. Once I rode out to Coney Island, just to see what it was like. Not too impressive if you ask me, but perhaps it’s been cleaned up a bit now. Anyway riding the rails, listening to the announcements, they certainly changed depending how close to the city they were and, I like to think, how full the cars were. As subway cars disgorged its passengers en route to Coney Island, and being late morning, the announcements sounded more and more casual.  

Starting with a nicely modulated “Stand clear of the closing doors please” from a real human being (unlike the prerecorded electronic voice system used on the more modern lines such as the No. 6). Little by little the clarity of announcement was diluted, perhaps a lazy conductor, and by the time we reached Coney Island we had definitely reached a low point. One announcement contained these three words - “Clear a daws”.  I now recall that on the Queens side of the East River as the subway pulls out onto the overland tracks we passed a facility titled, and I can hardly believe it, the MTA Announcement Training Center. My Coney Island conductor must have aced the course with honors.

Now the MTA is testing electronic notice boards advising of next train arrivals. During rush hours there are more trains; say every 3 to 4 minute, but there’s a longer wait during the day and late evening. But if you use the system all the time you probably know that so who cares. It’s incredible that it has taken so long to introduce such a system. The London Underground system implemented this many, many years ago. After all, the relevant channels are in place, just string a few wires, not rocket science surely.  The system is now in its testing phase. At the 23^rd Street station on the # 6 line recently, the electronic indicator board stated that the next uptown train would be two minutes in arriving. Looking down the tracks, I saw that almost as the next train reached the platform, the board changed to Zero minutes. Wow, that was fast. Not trying to be too critical here, but there’s a big difference between 2 minutes and “here’s the train”. Work to be done methinks.  

Also, upon entering my usual Upper East Side station and just before swiping my Metro Card, I overheard a son praising to his parents, presumably in for the Holidays, that the new digital train arrival indicator boards were the latest thing and were accurate in advising passengers how many minutes before the arrival of the next downtown train. Hah I thought, don’t count on it. Apparently the said boards indicated four minutes to go. So, time to grab a coffee, pick your nails, and send a few texts. Well, possibly, it only takes 30-45 seconds to reach the platform, and other 15 to walk to ones usual spot, and bingo there was the train arriving. So that makes it 3 minutes early. Well, surely that can’t be right. And stop calling me Shirley.

So there’s a ways to go before the accuracy is believable. Indeed, at some stations there is as much time as seven to ten minutes before the next arrival, in increments of one minute depending on the schedule. But on the 6 Line, the least time to arrival is 2 minutes, what’s the train doing in those two minutes, planning a heist? So, if it says two minutes get your ass in gear ‘cos it’s coming round the mountain as she comes,

 in those two minutes a 50 ton subway 10-car set can travel about one mile at 30mph (presumed average speed), which is about 20 blocks. But, the distance between stops is generally no more than 9 blocks. Interesting, isn’t it? So that makes the 2 minute advisory damned inaccurate in my book.

Besides, the old ways are the best, and cheaper. It’s simple really; if the platform is full the train is due.

Hot jobs with the FAA

In the US, unemployment is finally beginning to fall. And with only four applicants for each job; down from five for most of 2010 and six at the end of 2008, it appears that the latest “must-have” job is that of Air Traffic Controller (ATC) with the Federal Aviation Authority (FAA – known in the industry as Forget About the Aircraft). 

Unbeknownst to the flying public these jobs have terrific perks not previously appreciated, not least being the well over $100k salaries. Qualified slackers all over the country are signing up for training sessions to become an ATC (“Acting Tired Constantly”). A sleepwalker for the FAA is encouraging potential candidates to attend all night parties and online poker sessions for a good few days before signing on to the new positions; thus ensuring that applicants are fighting fit at the start of training. Competition is expected to be fierce. Staying awake at the ’scope longer than it takes to send a few tweets, text some OMG’s and LMFAO’s followed by a graphic description of your last bowel movement will be seen as brown-nosing and not in the spirit of the job description.  

When questioned, the ATC’s union, the National Air Traffic Controllers Association (NATCA – Nearly Always Tired and Caught Asleep) representative rejected allegations that ATC’s were sleeping on the job, claiming instead that long hours required their members to “rest their eyes” occasionally. Whilst acknowledging that some members sometimes appear to be asleep, in fact they were just blinking very slowly. Asked about the phones ringing and the pilot radio messages ignored, the union rep. admitted that blinking very slowly required massive concentration and their members were not equipped to cope with such demands on their time. We are proposing that ATC’s should take the phone off the hook and leave the radios on mute, to assist in achieving a stress-free shift. After all, pilots are paid more than we are, so Mr. Big Shot at the pointy end can earn his stripes. He should be alright if we leave the runway lights on, don’t you think?  

Apparently union rules require work-breaks every two hours, resulting in IDB, formerly known as interrupted deep blinking, a newly discovered syndrome designed by unscrupulous drug companies seeking to add yet more acronyms to the already crowded Physicians’ Desk Reference book (PDR if you hadn’t already guessed). IDB could prevent workers from performing at their peak during a work-break.

The union further reiterated that their members are exceedingly stressed right now and this is affecting their personal lives. So the ATC Union is advising the public to avoid traveling at the busiest times of the day which happens to be shift changes, normally around 7am and 7pm,. Or whatever time Sleepy wakes up in the rest-room. Physically exhausted from working two hour off and one hour on, the night shift is too groggy to remember exactly how far down the runway Delta 1203 Heavy was, and how close he was to that little, itty-bitty commuter jet trying to make a run for it across Delta’s take-off roll. Coupled with incoming sleep-deprived and stressed out ATC’s, mistakes are inevitable but they should get everything sorted within the hour or two, or three.  Using all the technology at their disposal, actually little strips of paper but don’t tell anyone, our members are likely to get it right most of the time. Now, will someone shut that window? Oh dear, now we really have a problem. 

This shows that what’s needed are more ATC’s, more money, and more training. Our members take their responsibilities very seriously, and he laughed off suggestions that dogs be trained to bark when an ATC shows signs of blinking very slowly, saying it’s not caninely possible to find one that won’t sleep at night. In any case, he said, who will be watching the dog?

Apparently catching a few zzz’s is unusual, but not unheard of according to current and retired controllers interviewed by the Associated Press. What is more common is pre-meditated napping.  For example, on the "midnight" shift (10 pm to 6 am), one controller will work two positions while the other one sleeps. Such arrangements allow controllers to sleep as much as three or four hours out of an eight-hour shift, they said. Yes, allowing them to be suitably wide awake and fresh to go home, mow the lawn, watch TV, and sign on for the next night’s shift ready for bed!

Bill Voss, a former controller and president of the Flight Safety Foundation said "We could have a far better system if we just admitted what is going on and put some structure around it." We’ll soon be ordering a couple of bunk beds, coffee-machine and a microwave for the rest-room. FAA regulations forbid sleeping at work, even during breaks, but at most air traffic facilities the sleeping swaps are tolerated as long as they don't affect safety, controllers said. Ah yes, and how do you know safety might be affected if you are fast asleep. To which the controller replied “I don’t know, I’ll have to sleep on that one.”

Tipping the scales – depends how you travel

Believe it or not, the weight of your average American is dependent upon the mode of transportation, whether flying, boating or bussing. What’s that I hear you say?

In the strange but true department, if you want to lose weight you should bus your 150lbs. Travelling by boat bumps you up to 185lbs and flying adds another 195 lbs (in winter clothing). That’s right; flying increases average poundage by almost 25%. It must be a combination of bad airline food, walk-on pizzas, pressurized cabins, excessive hand-luggage or something.

It’s quite incredible isn’t it? There is a very serious aspect to this since unforeseen weight can have lethal consequences. The US Coast Guard increased the average weight (from a skinny 140 lbs) as outdated weight estimates were contributing factors in two deadly boats capsizing. Due to the effect on aircraft stability, excess weight in small planes can lead to errors when calculating the plane’s center of gravity. But despite these differing averages there will be no consistency over the new figures. For example, the Federal Transit Administration will increase the average weight of bus passengers to 175 lbs, despite the fact that according to the CDC National Center for Health Statistics (and this is publicly available information), Mr. and Mrs. America tip the scales at 195lbs and 165lbs respectively.

That means the airlines have got it right, which is a relief as I can hop on and off buses, swim, but cannot yet flap my wings. Despite, according to my wife, being an angel (thank you).

Organ meats “offally” expensive in New York

Any fool can follow a recipe but you need just a little bit more creativity to prepare a satisfying supper. And in these tough economic times where every cent counts, your dollars must be stretched to breaking point or at least just before they bounce. You can do this by preparing stews. Stews are simple to make, do not require expensive cuts of meat, and they can be extended almost indefinitely by adding additional starches and vegetables. Trust me I know; I’ve a pot on the stove that hasn’t been cleaned for two years now.

When you go to the grocery store you need to think outside the box which is not that difficult. You may look like an anorak inspecting labels, poring over the “past-it’s sell-by-date but some sucker will buy it racks”, or even searching for the “manager’s specials”. But hey, gotta eat right? Whaddya mean that beef looks a bit green around the edges; if they can sell it like that you can buy it. Provided you’re not in some shabby deli or bodega you wouldn’t be seen dead in without wearing a full hazmat suit.

And interesting isn’t it that some of those packages look as if they’ve been tossed down the aisle, and squashed back together by someone wearing a baseball mitt. But a dollar is still a dollar; value-buying is king in today’s financially stretched household.

So, we’re in the store, let’s see what’s cheap today. Nothing, just like always, but you have to look carefully and you’ll see some bargains (a relative term in New York, I know). Look for reduced price turkey wings or thighs, especially after Thanksgiving or other Holidays. Also lamb necks, beef bones, beef shin. I recently tried some turkey necks, and they were not bad (good for a stoup, a cross between soup and stew). All of these can be made into excellent and hearty stews. Its comfort food, load up with vegetables, some potatoes, call it Wally and you’ll be as happy as Larry!

There’s been an interesting shift in the pricing of certain meat cuts in the Big Apple over the last decade or so. Chefs have wholeheartedly embraced cheaper cuts of meat such as oxtails, beef cheeks, pork belly, flank and skirt steak and the like, eliciting oohs and aahs from their legions of fans. All very well and good for your gross margins, but they’ve hijacked a good source of inexpensive cuts for Joe Public and the frugal foodie. For example, if we take a trip in the “way back time machine”, off-cuts such as oxtails were practically given away; as cheap as chips as Britain’s cheeky Jamie Oliver would say. Butchers would get rid of them as soon as sell it. But not today.

What we have today is mass-produced, pre-packaged pink meat designed to look good behind appropriate lighting as served up by your local big box stores. And generally it does, but you have no relationship with the men in white coats behind the counter, unlike your local butcher of yore, who probably knew more about you and your family than you’ve forgotten. So what if you don’t see what you want? Well, ask the spotty-faced guy behind the counter, and trust me, all meat departments seem to have one sprinkled in their somewhere. Ask and ye shall receive. TV Chefs always tell us to talk to your butcher, fishmonger or candlestick maker. But it’s a bit hokey to me, it’s all very well for you Mr. Big Hot Chef person buying thousands of dollars of meat per week; you’re in the driving seat there. Fat chance we have of saying let me look at that meat, is it fresh? When did you buy it? What’s the farmer’s name? I don’t think so.

And another thing, do you ever look at supermarket butchers behind supermarket counters? Most look like they shouldn’t be within 100 yards of sharp knives without a license. In fact, they probably need permission to be out in public; dressed in a strait-jacket and on a leash. I’m sure such professions allow certain folk to act out their darkest fantasies on cutting up dead animals rather than….well, you get the picture.

So now oxtail in the store is damn expensive, and no longer a cheap alternative for a stew. Similar less primal cuts such as hanger steak, skirt steak, can no longer be called inexpensive. The really cheap cuts animal parts in the US are liver and kidneys. Americans are generally not good with the organ meats (as they are sometimes called), probably because each has a certain has a revulsion factor not exactly guaranteed to whet the appetite and tickle the taste buds. Liver, for example, has that lovely slip-through your fingers kind of wobbliness and unmanageability. And as for kidneys, their function provides an unacceptable association. Every day, a person’s kidneys process about 200 quarts (50 gallons!) of blood to sift out about 2 quarts (four pints!) of waste products and extra water, which become urine. Perhaps that’s why the Pilgrims left England. Just imagine, sifting through 50 gallons per day, when we only have about a gallon of the stuff. My, it must be racing around the pipes at some speed.

But tosh, soak in milk, slice up, chop some onions, perhaps some tomatoes, a shot of sherry, a little parsley and cream at the end, perhaps some buttered cabbage to go with, and you’ve got yourself some really good eats and a really cheap dish.

London chef Fergus Henderson espouses the joys of porcine Nose-to-Tail Eating in his book of the same name. Using all of the pig apart from the squeal, his book is so delightfully written that it is an absolute joy to read. His phrasing can be a veritable feast for the eyes. If you don’t know what Bath Chaps are (good fellows from England?), have never heard of Jugged Hare (incarcerated rabbit?), or puzzled over Head Cheese (compacted dandruff?) then this is the book for you. He talks of “expressing yourself”…”let all the ingredients get to know each other” and my favorite “stuffing…to have an unctuous but not squidgy quality”. Marvelous stuff.

Bottoms up – name of tennis girl revealed

The BBC recently reported the name of the tennis girl in the famous Athena poster of 1976.

Image via Wikipedia

Mrs. Walker said she was not a keen tennis player and had to wear her father's plimsolls.

She has one of the country's best known butts. But few people outside her family and friends would recognize the face of Fiona Walker - the woman whose cheeky lift of her tennis skirt became famous on the Athena poster. It went on to become one of the shop's best selling prints, yet there are many surprises behind the story of its inception. For instance, Mrs. Walker said she has little interest in tennis and the balls lying on the court were actually ones used to throw for her pet dog. Nevertheless, the picture is set to be at the heart of a special exhibition on tennis as an art form.

Mrs. Walker is now a 52-year-old freelance illustrator and mother of three. But in 1976, aged 18, her then photographer-boyfriend Martin Elliot persuaded her to let him take a shot of her on court hitching up her dress to reveal a bare bottom.

The setting was a university tennis court in Edgbaston, Birmingham, where the modern game of tennis was pioneered in 1859. Mr. Elliot sold the image to the poster chain Athena and more than two million copies were sold worldwide. Mrs. Walker said: "I think my children tell people that it's me but most people don't believe it." I was very naive and was paid nothing, and I think it's the biggest-selling poster ever." She said she had no regrets about doing it though.

"It never ceases to make me smile when I see it sometimes. I see it in very strange places." The photograph will be part of an exhibition in Birmingham's Barber Institute from May, which the organizers said would be the first exhibition to treat lawn tennis as an artistic subject. Curator Professor Anne Sumner said Tennis Girl was the image "most associated with tennis in this country."

Works by LS Lowry and Stanley Spencer are also included in the exhibition. To add a touch of cl’ass you understand. Or as they say in the South of England with their draaaawn out “a”s, a touch of cl’arse. Athena was a British art retailer, formerly a large retail chain famous for its distinctive posters, with an avowed intention of promoting an ethos on fine art reprints. Ho Ho Ho. The company's popular success divided opinion amongst intellectuals and art critics who were uncertain as to whether these works were too vulgar and populist to be considered art.

Ms Walker said she thought it was the lighting in the photograph that gave Tennis Girl its magic. ‘Ass what I said, of course it was the lighting. I knew it, I just knew it. That’s what really makes the picture stand-out. I couldn’t put a finger on it. It’s obvious when you realize it.

In the same way that the other iconic picture of the 70’s, of Farrah Fawcett showing off her mane of hair. I mean, that is why people bought that poster isn’t it. For the hair, the way she tilted her head back to reveal her ….hair tumbling across her shoulders? No? Are you sure? I must be missing something then.

Image via Wikipedia

Shakespeare for Dummies

Cover of William Shakespeare

Writer Greg Hill recently wrote about Shakespeare and was reminded by his former high school teacher that "honorificabilitudinitatibus" was the longest word the Bard of Avon used. According to Wikipedia the word's "the ablative plural of the medieval Latin word 'honorificabilitudinitas,' which can be translated as 'the state of being able to achieve honour.'" It was in use centuries before Shakespeare. Since it sounds pure Latin, perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised. Still, not the sort of word one imagines trips off the tongue at Mrs. Miggins’s pie-shop over a few pints.

And apparently the second longest word, ever, was a 183-character transliteration of a term created by the ancient Greek playwright Aristophanes to describe a fricassee that included blackbird, sea-hare, laserwort, rotted dogfish, and roasted head of dabchick (not related to boychiks, I hope). Which of course, begs the question, why did an obviously odious sounding dish need 183 characters, when surely, certain four letter words might have sufficed. Am just asking, is all.

Little-known is that Shakespeare’s writing was Modern English, rather than the even older Middle English or Older English. A recent BBC report titled "Bored by the Bard?" says the Royal Shakespeare Company (RSC) is promoting a three-point plan to keep Shakespeare vital to modern youngsters (youffs) by enabling them to act out the plays, to see live performances, and to start doing so as early as possible.

Hill further explains that the RSC doesn't mind a bit of hilarity at the Bard's expense, like British satirist Martin Baum's "To Be or Not to Be, Innit." Baum's book combines British street slang and texting language to paraphrase Shakespeare in terms the younger generations can comprehend. Oh dear. He covers "Macbeff," "Much Ado About Sod All," and "All's Sweet That Ends Sweet, Innit." Jacqui O'Hanlon, the RSC's education director, said "Shakespeare created so many new words; we won't be precious about it." She added, "We know that when young people are introduced to Shakespeare in a positive way, they find real relevance … We want people to have a lifelong association with Shakespeare, so this may help."

Well, I think that Baum missed a few out, according to my list:

Comedy of Errors will now be titled “What a Cock-up.” subtitled “It’s All Gone Pete Tong.”

Offello will play alongside MacBeff

The Merchant of Venice could become “You want how much for a sodding cornetto?”

As You Like It will just be “Whatever.”

All’s Well that Ends Well will become “Simples, End Of.”

The Henry plays will be renamed Henry 1, in 6 tweets. Life’s too short to sit through all that crap!

Which brings me to the only Shakespeare joke I know. No surprise there, I studied Shakespeare at grammar school and I can tell you it was no joke! A chap walks out of the theater after seeing Hamlet for the first time. “I don’t know why everybody thinks Hamlet is such a well-written play,” he says, “it’s full of clichés”.

I know, I should be on the stage…too bad it left an hour ago!

Related articles

• His Living Hue: What Did Shakespeare Look Like? (bigthink.com)

Callipygian - Word of the day, even the year

Any ideas? Nothing comes to mind?

Well, here’s a clue. I saw the word in a CNN article about Kim Kardashian; she of the Kardashian family, who have made “famous for being famous” into such an art form. Kim and sister Khloe seem only to have love affairs with American Football players; no surprise there, neither have anything between the ears. Lord only knows what their deceased father would think of it all (Mother now on # 2, Bruce Jenner, Olympic Decathlete star in 1976). He was on OJ’s defense team and by all accounts a pretty good man. Well, if the glove fits…..

Perhaps CNN’s use of the word was a mistake, I mean we’re talking CNN after all; a self-styled "The Worldwide Leader in News" 24-7 news channel that was once crass enough to interrupt a breaking news story with…you’ve guessed…another breaking news story! As they say, there’s nothing staler than yesterdays, or the last-minute’s news.

So in describing Kim Kardashian, with her not inconsiderable assets, the CNN correspondent (or muck-raker, take your pick) chose to use a word that 99.99% of their readers could not possibly, in many many months of Sundays, understand. Unless of course they thought it was a euphemism for her frontal fun bags.

Image via Wikipedia

Was it related to her nose, or her smile? None of these. Actually there was a clue in the last paragraph. OK, so her nose is a little large, her lips a little too pursed. Nope, lower down we go, past the afore-mentioned hand warmers, round the corner until we land upon her Ass.

So here’s the definition…Callipygian - having well-shaped buttocks, from the Greek “calli” (beautiful) and “pyge” (buttocks). Here’s the back-story, so to speak.

The Venus Kallipygos or Aphrodite Kallipygos, meaning "Venus (or Aphrodite) of the beautiful buttocks", is an Ancient Roman marble statue, thought to be a copy of an older Greek original. It depicts a partially draped woman, raising her light peplos (draped, body-length garment) to uncover her hips and buttocks, and looking back and down over her shoulder, perhaps to evaluate them. Or as we would say…”cor blimey, what a pair”. Butt, there’s more, apparently the first recorded use was in 1880 when Thomas Pynchon wrote in Gravity’s Rainbow: “Those dusky Afro-Scandinavian buttocks, which combine the callipygian rondure observed among the races of the Dark Continent with the taut and noble musculature of sturdy Olaf, our blond Northern cousin”.

Image via Wikipedia

My, my, another good word…rondure…meaning gracefully rounded. What delicious words they are indeed. Interestingly when callipygian and rondure are combined in a phrase, there are only 1,380 hits on Google which must be a record low.

And if you ever hear your son use the word, best take a quick look into his homework assignment otherwise you might find that he’s indulging in some gratuitous drooling over T & A pictures masquerading as serious study practices.

So the next time you make a comment about a lady’s Callipygian structure, or even the rondure of her gluteus maxima (plural, note), you can have the quiet satisfaction that a) she won’t know what it means, and b) if she wants to look it up, she won’t find it in the dictionary because she can’t even spell it. Which as we all know is spelt… I…T…

Related articles

• Kim Kardashian 'inspiring buttock augmentation' (mya.co.uk)
• Day 209: Broaden my vocabulary (tjmoss.wordpress.com)